As Featured on News Cult: Questions I Would Ask the “Real Housewives” If I Ever Had the Chance to Interview Them

You’d think the infinity “reunion specials” for each season of each Real Housewives franchise would be enough to answer any questions I have for them, but nope—I’ve got more. So here’s what I would ask the “Real Housewives” if I was ever graced with the chance to interview them.

1. Are you ever confronted with the utter meaninglessness of your existence and everything you hold dear?

2. Studies show you’ve singlehandedly kept the taffeta industry in business. Why?

Part b) Why?

3. Have you ever eaten bread?

Part b) And kept it down?

4. How many Chinese children did it take to bedazzle everything you own?

5. What’s up with your face?

6. How many homeless people have you hit & run with your Bentley?

A) At least 3

B) Approx 10

C) Def in the teens and Suge Knight’ed at least 4 of them too

7. Who will get to keep the offshore accounts when your marriage falls apart on national television—you or your husband?

8. Do you ever worry that your children will take after you?

9. How much do you pay your Mexican nanny/maid/personal assistant/cook/gardener/parent to your kids?

10. Are you jealous that your husband has more Botox than you?

11. Marry Fuck, marry, or marry kill: Donald Sterling, Donald Trump, and Hugh Hefner?

12. How much money did you spend last year on throwing “charity events” and how much money did you actually raise for charity?

13. Is tax evasion an acquired skill, or are you just born with it?

14. Can you really be considered human if the majority of your body is composed of synthetic materials?

15. Which of the choices below would you use to describe your skin color?

A) Tang

B) Hi-C

C) Pyridium

16. It’s fair to say your marriage is a form of prostitution, correct?

17. But seriously your face though

18. Which of the below would you say best describes your fashion mantra?

A) Every day is prom night!”

B) “If it’s not chunky, it’s not jewelry. #likevomit #asincannedbeefstew #see:myassbeforeIhaditreplaced

C) “Your clothing should always be more expensive than the cost of clean water for any given impoverished country. Otherwise, how can you be sure you’re better than all those brown people?”

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Why I Take Issue with Kim Kardashian

I mean… where do we begin. With the fact that Kim Kardashian has almost single-handedly commoditized the ass? Or that she’s built an empire based on her narcissistic obsession with excessive wealth and materialism? Or should we start by addressing that she ruined Kanye West, an arguably otherwise genius artist? I’ve got 99 problems and Kim Kardashian is most of them.

Let’s start with the elephant in the room: her ass. First off, shall we not pretend we think it’s real? She may not be willing to admit she’s had work done, but it speaks for itself. Everyone seems to think that she is responsible for some body image revolution–that because of her, “curvy” is now a socially acceptable, even desirable and attractive, look for women. But really, she’s just the poster child for yet another wave in the objectification of women. Thanks to KK, a very certain and specific type of curvy is now the thing to be. But don’t get it twisted–we don’t want the curves of your love handles or saddle bags. We want a tiny waist, unnaturally convex ass, and sculpted and toned everything else–stomach, arms, legs, face.

Likewise, people are acting like she’s paved the way for swarthy sisters everywhere. Let me tell you something–the only naturally occurring hair remaining on that girl’s body is maybe her eyebrows. The rest has been strategically placed or removed in a secret laboratory in an undercover bunker somewhere that is only accessible to two robots people besides her: Dr. Oz/Dr. Phil (they may be the same person, we can’t be sure), and Suzanne Somers. Is that, combined with the mandated curves, really any better than the stick-thin blonde Barbie trend? They’re both not normal and only attainable if you have boatloads of money that you can funnel into Frankenstein-ing yourself into some inhuman silicone monster.

And can we just take a minute to talk about her vagina-face? I mean, I love vaginas–they’re great and should be celebrated–but her face gives them a bad rap. Moving on, what exactly has she accomplished in her life besides capitalizing on her last name, the only value of which originated in the salvation of OJ Simpson, an arguably dishonorable cause? She’s manufactured a caricature of a physique and capitalized on that to build a brand, complete with clothing lines, TV shows, a video game, and endless other material objects void of any significant or progressive meaning, and is famous for being famous, and that’s supposed to make us worship her?

Like, a video game? Really? 39 words, Kim: NO ONE GIVES THAT MUCH OF A FUCK ABOUTCHU AND SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED A VIDEO GAME IN YOUR LIFE THAT IS A PRIVILEGE RESERVED FOR MEN IN THEIR MID-30s WHO STILL LIVE IN THEIR MOTHERS’ BASEMENTS. Why don’t you try doing something good for the world, like, I don’t know, teaching young girls like your daughter that their only value doesn’t reside in their physical appearance and material wealth isn’t the pinnacle of human existence? Or, at the very least, why don’t you shut the fuck up and spare the world the awful sound of the the nasally little bitch-whine that is your voice.

As for Kanye–I really had hope for him pre-Kim. Yeah, he’s got a douchey God complex. But it’s somewhat justified–he is very smart and talented, and takes risks in music and pop culture that a lot of his peers are too afraid or unwilling to. But I lost all respect for his decision-making skills when he joined the KK Klan. He has some bizarre fixation on her celebrity–celebrity for celebrity’s sake. He fetishizes her to the point where I honestly wonder if she breastfeeds him as foreplay because he believes there’s some divine power in her milk.

The superiority complex the two of them live in is unbelievable. I think they actually believe they are better than most of humanity–like they have magical powers or something. JUST BECAUSE YOUR INITIALS ARE MOSTLY K’s DOESNT MAKE YOU SUPERHUMAN–REMEMBER THE KKK? Like, it’s really not that hard to make a sex tape, Kim. Or drunkenly grab the microphone away from a skinny blonde, Kanye–LITERALLY EVERYONE has more upper arm strength than Taylor Swift. Guess what? I could get married for 72 days, too. That bad blonde dye job you have? It’s called Clorox, bitch–all it takes is one trip to Walgreens. The only magical thing about them is that survival of the fittest has not yet claimed them as its victims. But pit either of them up against anyone who’s ever done their own laundry or read a book, and Darwin would be proud.

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Plastic Surgery: Let’s Discuss

OK, let’s unpack this. Because frankly I have a lot of mixed emotions on the subject and need to work. it. out. And to clarify, I’m talking about elective plastic surgery–not reconstructive and/or medically necessary surgery, or gender reassignment surgery. We’re talking purely Joan Rivers, Kylie Jenner, and Pamela Anderson here. Granted, I don’t know their medical circumstances, but I feel it’s safe to assume that their cosmetic surgeries are of the elective sort (and if I have to hear one more person say that a “deviated septum” is really the legitimate cause for their nose job, I’m going to start responding with, “yeah, and I’m fucking the Pope.”).

If I were Kim, I would be like, “Wait, Kylie, did you cut off my face and are you wearing it as a mask?”

On the one hand, I absolutely believe that every person has the right to do with his/her own body what he/she wants. So I feel that I need to take the “to each his/her own” approach to plastic surgery. On the other hand, I can’t help but think that the main reason people elect to have plastic surgery is because of a societal and cultural standard of appearance that they feel they need to meet, not because of some inborn instinct they have to have fuller lips, a more perfect ass, or balloon tits. Sure, if everyone was getting a nose job because it served some evolutionary or biological purpose, I don’t think I would feel so strongly opposed to it. But it seems to me that the main reason for it is that in our culture, particularly in the U.S., smaller/less crooked/more refined noses are coveted as “ideal” and “beautiful.”

But according to who? And why? If we all look inward, I think we would find it hard to come up with a good reason or explanation, other than, “that’s the mass media-dictated standard of beauty.” But even then, there doesn’t seem to be a logical justification–it seems that some people just decided that “beautiful” or “desirable” = a certain set of physical traits, and everyone bought into that over time, making us no better than lemmings, really. So, if I consider the reason behind an individual’s choice to have cosmetic surgery, I still find it hard to justify.

Furthermore, I think that there are harmful consequences to plastic surgery. Not just the obvious possible medical complications, but when celebrities or public figures who have had work done are touted as representations of true beauty, the message to the public is that we should all look like that, or at least strive to, and if we can’t attain that look, there is something wrong with us. But of course we can’t attain that look, because we don’t have the money to spend on it. Also, a lot of the time celebrities have plastic surgery but don’t admit to it, which makes their message even worse: “I am beautiful, and I am this way naturally, so if you can’t make yourself look like this naturally, there’s something wrong with you.” Of course this is especially dangerous when it’s being conveyed to young fans. And I don’t think anyone would dispute the fact that females are generally held to stricter standards of beauty and appearance than males in this society. So, essentially, the message that young, impressionable girls are receiving via media is that they need to fit a certain physical mold in order to be attractive and desirable.

I know I’m not the first to say any of this, but I think it’s important to talk about, because even I, a self-proclaimed feminist and graduate of a women’s college, find myself buying into these unrealistic beauty standards. And I have been fortunate enough to have access to quality education my entire life, and consequently the resources necessary in order to form informed responses to mass media propaganda, so I really have no excuse for falling prey to it. Yet, I do.

Every time I think about plastic surgery, I try to remain as objective as possible, and debate both sides of it. But every time I consider the pro argument that someone is having it because they want to and because it will make them feel better about themselves, I come back to the conclusion that the reason they want to have it and it will make them feel better about themselves is because it will help them attain the physical ideal that is promoted in our society and culture, and therefore, it is not such an autonomous decision as that argument would suggest.

That said, I’m always open to other ways of thinking and hearing other’s opinions on the matter. And I do thank all the people who have had horrendous cosmetic surgery for giving us all something to laugh at (I said it–SO SUE ME):


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