As Featured on News Cult: 8 Books You Should Read

I’m no scholar, but I’m basically a scholar, so I think it’s my place to tell you what books to read. Also just to read, period. Get the fuck off your phones and your iPads and pick up an actual book. Really, your obsessive dependence on technology bores me.

Here are the books you need to read in your lifetime if you want to consider your existence not a complete waste.

1. The Bible

Starting out strong. It’s important to read about how to sell your daughter into slavery and stuff.

2. Lord of the Flies

Especially important to read this as a child–so much to be learned from the part when all the kids gang up on the boy they call “Piggy” and steal his glasses before pushing him off a cliff. Also The Hunger Games ripped this the fuck off–this is the OG; the real deal.

3. He’s Just Not That Into You

Because he isn’t. Lean In to that, ladies.

4. Through my Eyes, Tim Tebow’s Memoir

If only it were a postmortem biography… You get to learn all about how his mom was so God-fearing that she gave birth to TT despite the fact that the pregnancy endangered her life, because she’d rather die than have an abortion, obviously, and look how it turned out–she practically birthed an angel–God must have rewarded her piety by bestowing upon her child great football-related talents along with a marvelous level of ignorance and general douchebagery. If you’re lucky like me, your grandma will be obsessed with him and she’ll get you a copy for Christmas and then you’ll have to put it on your shelf so she won’t be offended, and you’ll feel a little guilty because when she starts to get dementia, you’ll silently be thankful that you can take the book off the shelf and she won’t care because she won’t remember she got it for you.

5. Elixir by Hilary Duff

I think we can all agree we should be reading any book by Lizzie McGuire.

6. The Catcher in the Rye

But seriously though. And fuck your freshman English teacher–he’ll say that Holden Caulfield is crazy, and he’ll be wrong. NOPE, he’s the crazy one, and so are all your stupid classmates who agree with him, good-for-nothing vapid lemming motherfuckers.

7. Etiquette by Emily Post

I mean…

•”If you would be thought a person of refinement, don’t nudge or pat or finger people. Don’t hold hands or walk arm-about-waist in public. Never put your hand on a man, except in dancing and in taking his arm if he is usher at a wedding or your partner for dinner or supper. Don’t allow anyone to paw you.”

•”It is not considered a triumph to have many love affairs, but rather an evidence of stupidity and bad taste.” [Translated into modern language: “Don’t be a ho.”]

•”Every one supposes that lovers kiss each other, but people of good taste wince at being forced to play audience at love scenes which should be private. Furthermore, such cuddling gives little evidence of the deeper caring—no matter how ardent the demonstration may be.” [She makes some great points..]

8. It Hurts When I Poop!

Can we talk about how it looks like the giraffe/dinosaur is fucking him? And the boat and duck are watching, giddy with pleasure? I mean if this isn’t kiddie porn, then I’m not sure what is. I’d like to have a discussion with Howard J. Bennett to ask him just what exactly he was thinking. So, in sum, this is a great read for book clubs–it stimulates discussion.

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