buys you an unsolicited shot and proceeds to tell you that “you need to stop trying so hard to try” and that “you suck at life”

Considering tracking down my old prison stalker

Maybe he’ll text me back.

Me: Can someone tell how often I view their Instagram?

…. and Facebook …. and Twitter?

Siri:

if I didn’t wake up on Sunday wanting to crawl into a hole and die.

#oranyothernightoftheweekforthatmatter

#thisiswhathappenswhenyouputmeinchargeoftheofficebathroomkeys

#Knope

When the mechanic said to me, “Yeah… They don’t care about you.”

#grantedhewastalkingaboutthecardealership #butstill.. #applicable #generallytomylife