As Featured on News Cult: How to Celebrate Father’s Day

I had to Google when Father’s Day is (sorry, Dad). But luckily I’m way ahead of the game and it’s not until June 19; (completely forgot to do a post about Mother’s Day… sorry, Mom). And when you have your shit remotely together for once, it’s worth commemorating. So here’s a list of ideas for how to celebrate, with plenty of time to plan/pull one of these out of your ass morning of.

1. Make a list of all the parenting mistakes your dad has made

And ways he’s failed you. Handwrite it for extra personal effect before you gift it to him.

2. Do a nostalgic activity

Growing up, I was daddy’s little boy, so when I quit soccer, I believe that was the most disappointing moment of my father’s life. So for me, this would be playing soccer with him/losing my breath after 2 minutes and disappointing him all over again.

3. Don’t express too much emotion

Things will just get weird if you do something like say “I love you,” so just keep a lid on it. No need for a hug—a pat on the back or sturdy handshake will do just fine. Perhaps even a chest bump, or barbaric grunt.

4. Go out to dinner

His treat.

5. Bring your significant other to meet him for the first time

Nothing says, “I love you, Dad,” like introducing your piece of shit boyfriend to him on a day that signifies family togetherness and appreciation. I find it helps if your guy doesn’t have a college degree or a job, can’t drink whiskey straight or engage in substantive debate about the morality of war, and puts on a lot of PDA.

6. Tell him you’re pregnant

And that soon enough your child will be celebrating Father’s Day! With whom, we don’t know yet, but we feel confident we can narrow it down to 3 candidates, +/-.

7. Offer to join him in an activity he likes

Like golf—all dads like golf, right? Join him for a spastic bout of swinging the club and taking chunks out of the ground, never hitting the ball game. Or buy him some nice cigars—that’s another dad thing, right? Offer to sit in the den with him and choke while sucking on the wrong end smoke one by the fire.

8. Ask him for money

Parents love when you do that! Nothing says “I appreciate you, Dad,” more than, “I need you to bankroll my lifestyle.”

9. Get him a dog

And then take on zero responsibility in caring for it.

10. Give him comments on his will

Ask him for a copy of it, redline and annotate that shit, and get it back to him for countersignature. #he’swelcome

11. Get into an explosive, hysterical argument

It’s not a family gathering without one, right?

12. Move back home

#Surprise!

 

 

 

 

 

 

If anything, he should be grateful, because someone is going to have to wipe his ass for him in his old age. #47isthenew74 #youmaythinkyou’reyoungandhealthy,butyouknowwhoelsethoughtthat? #StephenHawking

13. Make him a card

Nothing too flamboyant, lest you insult his masculinity. But maybe some neutral-toned cardstock with a navy blue or forest green accent, perhaps some plaid ribbon if you’re feeling courageous, and black or blue ink only.

14. Ask him to bail you out

“I used my one phone call on you! That’s how much you mean to me.”

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/14-things-youre-dad-will-really-really-love-get-fathers-day/

As Featured on News Cult: Your Ultimate Christmas Gift Guide 

Does anyone else find Christmas shopping impossible? Even year after year of giving presents to the same people, I’m always confused about what to get them. So I decided to come up with the ultimate gift guide for those parasites special people in your life—there’s something on here for everyone!

A paper bag

To put over their head so no one has to see their stupid face.

This poster 

*Via Despair, Inc.

Alcohol

With the accompanying note: “To drown out the utter pitifulness of your existence.”

A cockroach named after them

And what would you name this little guy?

Herpes

(*Please note: this involves you both contracting and spreading herpes to them by December 25th)

this sweater

Christmas Vacation Sweater. Tacky Christmas Sweater. Griswold Christmas. Clark Griswold. Christmas Sweatshirt. National Lampoon. Red Sweater

*Via CreateMoreSleepLess

a pile of shit

If you live in a neighborhood like mine, you’ll easily be able to walk outside your door and just scoop one up.

this cross stitch Via CableMeCozy

Can you not cross stitch, funny cross stitch, subversive cross stitch, framed cross stitch, funny home decor, gag gift, funny gift, satire

Because can they not?

rahm emanuel’s and anita alvarez’ resignations

Because helping to cover up, for over a year, the completely unjustifiable murder of a nonthreatening black teen boy by a white male police officer, who fatally shot said black teen boy sixteen times and only had to post a $150,000 bail to get out of prison and roam the streets free, just isn’t a good look.

5 minutes LESS OF SLEEP each morning

I don’t care how you do it—go into their place of work and set every clock in the entire office forward five minutes if you have to—just find a way to make it happen.

a gym membership

“I got you a scale to go along with it.”

Classic.

a one-way ticket

To the farthest place possible for the least amount of money.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/tis-season-ultimate-christmas-gift-guide/

As Featured on News Cult: Sentences That Were Said at My Thanksgiving Table

This year, I hosted Thanksgiving. And learned it’s amazing what you can do with basically an Easy-Bake Oven and approximately no counter space. And because the dinner conversation was particularly amusing, I thought I’d share with you some of the sentences that were said at my Thanksgiving table (or Thanksgiving table-adjacent). I’ve left names out here** in an effort to respect other people’s privacy, because apparently not everyone shares every personal detail of their lives online. So I’ll leave it up to you to guess who said what.

“You’ve never had a foreskin so you don’t know if they’re sensitive. HA—I win, by virtue of you being circumcised!”

“… So I told the other parents, ‘If his mom and dad are going to murder him, it’s not going to be here [at the school].”

• Person 1: “Who was your 5th grade choir teacher again?”

Person 2: “Ugh God she was a cunt.”

“Guys, I have a huge crotch hole. Just be advised. We’re on crotch alert!”

“Look at this GORGEOUS foam.” -self-satisfied user of a new milk frother

“Yeah, I saw a photo of him at that restaurant where they make you wear a sombrero on your birthday—he does not like Mexicans.”

• Person 1: “One of his male students is named ‘Marvelous.'”

Person 2: “Is that student a black woman?”

“Why do birds have legs? If I were a bird, I would never walk—why wouldn’t you just fly everywhere?”

• Intense laughter at this:

*The choice of banana cream is significant on so many wonderful levels.

Person 1: “Can you tell I’ve gained a lot of weight?”

Person 2: ” ….. “

Person 1: “Who bought a new pair of Uggs?”

Person 2: “… Me—they were on sale! I’ve never seen Uggs on sale.”

Person 1: How many pairs of shoes do you own?”

Person 2: “Umm… Well you counted once.”

Person 1: “OMG you guys, Sarah Silverman is at the table next to us! She’s wearing full-body sweatpants with a loose bun in her hair. I love how real she is.”

Person 2: “Yeah, that’s how celebrities go out—they try to look low key and casual. That’s why the guy at that other table kept staring at you—you have that same look, so he must’ve thought you were someone famous.”

Person 1: “Oh, you mean because I’m wearing my plus-sized women’s sweater, size X/1X (meanwhile no one knows what the X stands for), and boots with holes in them? Is that your way of telling me I look messy?”

Person 2: ” …. “

• Person 1: “I should dress up as Hitler for Halloween one year and see how well that’s received.”

Everyone else at the table: 

“I have a great idea: I’m gonna go to strip clubs, and instead of throwing singles at them, I’m gonna throw college pamphlets.”

• Person 1: [Barrel rolls down big grassy hill, minus the barrel]

Person 2: “Why did you roll diagonally to the left?”

Person 1: “I don’t know.”

Person 2: “It’s because your hips are wider than your shoulders.”

Person 1: What did you just say?”

Person 2: [Points at Person 1] “Look—it’s true!”

**Please note, “Person 1” and “Person 2” are meant simply to designate dialogue at any given point in time, not specific people.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/actual-fuck-sentences-said-thanksgiving-table/

As Featured on News Cult: Are You Supposed to Invite These People to Your Wedding? I Don’t Get It

Not that I’ll be getting married, but just thinking ahead, should anyone ever pity-propose to me. And also doing all of you soon-to-be-wed jerks a favor by making you think about these things. Planting seeds, guys. I’m planting my seeds in you.

1. Your therapist

Normally you’d discuss who you should/shouldn’t invite with your therapist ! Ahhhhhhhhsdklfhsdfjsdfkjsgerfjkserfbksjdfsdkfj what are you supposed to do how EVER will you figure this out?!?!?!

I feel like he/she is an integral part of why you think you are even emotionally stable and mature enough to get married, so I feel like you owe him/her an invite. At the same time, it might be a little awk. Especially with all the false displays of love and happiness that you’ll be putting on, because he/she’d see right through them and probably be ethically obligated to object to your marriage and then you’d have an entire buffet wasted which like you could totally eat single-handedly so it’s really not that big of a deal but the catering staff would look at you weird and you just don’t need their judgment right now during this difficult time OKAY?!

2. Your Boss

I feel like if you don’t invite them you just make the work environment awkward, and are asking to get fired. You can’t really be like “hey I’m gonna be gone for 2 weeks on my honeymoon byeeeee” and not invite them. It’s just rude, right? But at the same time, what if your boss is a dick. That’s a rhetorical question. Of course he/she is. Do you invite that dick to your wedding, knowing that his/her dickery is going to kind of ruin everything? Or do you just suck it up and invite the dick because let’s face it the wedding is going to be ruined anyway by virtue of being a materialistic display of the shallow forgery that is your entire existence.

3. Your OBGYN

I have a lot of OBGYN-centric questions and concerns. Again, this one’s an important part of your sex life, à la the therapist. And hopefully you’ve already had sex with your fiancé because why the fuck would you enter into an eternal contract with someone who you don’t know can get you off. So therefore, by the transitive property, your OB is part of your sex life/lack thereof with your fiancé. She’s kinda just in there. So you can’t just pretend she’s not. You gotta face that situation head on. And if you don’t want to invite her just be like “Could you please get out. I mean not literally–please finish my pap smear–but I mean like out of the realm of my relationship. Metaphorically please exit my pants.”

4. Your mailman

I mean… he’ll know about the wedding because of all the RSVP’s and gifts you’ll be getting in the mail, and he knows where you live, so you don’t want to piss him off… But also, you haven’t even ever seen him and he still delivers the old tenants’ mail to you even though you’ve lived in your apartment for 5 years and have written him multiple notes telling him they don’t live here anymore, and, in fact, you don’t think they live anymore, period, because you’re convinced they died in your apartment because that would happen to you.

5. All of your cousins

Is this like a pick and choose situation where we’re allowed to only invite the cousins who don’t completely suck, or is it like a packaged deal where you invite one, you invite ’em all? If it’s the latter, we might have to just go with a zero tolerance policy. I don’t care how great cousin Deb is, or how much fun she is to dance with, or how little she judges your wedding cake intake– that won’t make up for how much of a shitbag her brother Ross is, and how poor, narcissistically self-sabotaging, mommy issue-invoking his taste in women is.

Featured on News Cult:  http://newscult.com/?p=73808

As Featured on News Cult: Suggested Baby Gifts

People insist on having babies, and according to social etiquette, you have to get them presents for their newborns even though why should you, it’s really not that hard to have a kid so why are they being rewarded for it, like maybe if they had just performed an 8-hour open heart surgery they would deserve a gift, but procreation is literally nothing extraordinary so I don’t get why we have to pretend like they’re doing anything special. BUT,  we do, if only because we don’t want to make family gatherings more awkward than they already are because we didn’t get cousin Rosie a swaddling basket–anything in the name of getting everyone to leave us alone. With that in mind, here are some ideas for what to get new parents.

Pumping bras

Medela Easy Expression Halter Hands Free Pumping Bra Breast Feeding Nursing

So practical! You can wear it as you’re jogging on the treadmill while talking on your Blackberry.

Just to make things uncomfortably intimate. For a bonus, insist she tries it on immediately after you give it to her, while you’re still standing there.

Stuffed animals

With a note: “For when you realize that you’re ultimately alone in this life and no one will ever truly love you.

This book

I’d even say take some creative liberties with the title–e.g. “All my your friends are going to be dead soon enough, just like the rest of us. And you.

Pacifiers

To shut your kid the fuck up.

And this book if they have another kid

Blankets

Accompanying card: “For all the lonely nights that are sure to be ahead–like 100% you’re going to be alone–the only warmth you’ll ever really know is that of your own body heat. And if you get stranded in winter, that’s not going to be enough to keep you from freezing to death. And neither will these blankets probably, tbh.”

Family grave plot

Just thinking ahead! And, actually, it was buy 3, get one free, so you might as well have another one while you’re at it.”

A DVD of The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

Happy nanny-hunting!”

This card:

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/celebrating-new-life-9-suggested-baby-gifts/

12 Suggested Wedding Presents

Wedding gifts are more a gift for you than the newlyweds. They’re an opportunity that shouldn’t be wasted. Choose wisely–any of the below will do.

1. Gift certificate to couples therapy.

2. Two twin beds (for the inevitable separation).

3. Nothing.

4. Make a donation to a charity in lieu of a gift. (“I know you wouldn’t want me to buy you yet another material item, of which you have plenty already–or, I assumed that–because you didn’t actually say that. You just sent me a link to your Crate & Barrel registry.”)

5. The contact info for a good divorce attorney.

6. A hot nanny (just to speed up the natural ‘begin to hate each other and cope with infidelity’ process).

7. A puppy (just to speed up the natural ‘realize they aren’t capable of raising a puppy together so would make terrible parents’ process).

8. Anything that’s on their registry, just the Kmart version. (“You know I saw the Vitamix on your registry and thought, ‘this plastic 3-speed blender I found at a garage sale would do just as well!'”)

9. A His & Hers pillowcase set. First one says, “NO ONE,” second one says, “CARES.”

10. Your services as the wedding DJ/singer. And then play/sing solely Hanson songs.

11. Your services as wedding caterer. And then serve solely Bagel Bites.

12. Your services as future surrogate/egg donor. (“Because I know you guys would want nothing but the best genes and most welcoming womb for your child, and we all know what you’re working with right now isn’t great.”)

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=45699

11 Suggested Birthday Gifts

As with everything, birthday presents are about making people uncomfortable and being passive aggressive. Any birthday is a beautiful day to ruin lives, people.

https://i0.wp.com/media.giphy.com/media/gXWMXvaLrCAjS/giphy.gif

To that end, here are birthday gifts you should definitely give to the people in your life.

1. Soap 

Because nothing says, “you disgust me” quite like it.

2. Cake 

Suggested accompanying message [can be written or spoken]: “You’ve already let yourself go, so might as well shove this in your gaping mouth hole too.”

3. A doormat

Because nothing says, “I’m going to walk all over you” so succinctly.

4. Maternity clothes.

For the non-pregnant females in your life. “You know, just thinking ahead.”

5. A cookbook

Because nothing says, “you’re a terrible cook” quite like it.

6. A picture frame

You can tell them, “For that college diploma, if you ever get it,” or, “For your wedding photo, if you ever find someone to marry,” or, “For a photo of your baby if you ever find someone who loves you enough to have kids with you [not that you have to love someone to make a baby with them–please see most marriages w/ children].”

7. A massage

Because nothing says, “I don’t want to touch your sad, doughy body, so I’m gonna have to pay someone else to do it” so aptly.

8. Alcohol

This is more a gift for you than them, because lord knows you’re going to need it to be able to stand their company [feel free to tell them this].

9. Gift certificates

Because nothing says, “you look poor” better.

10. A Weight Watchers membership.

Duh.

11. Condoms

Because nothing says, “you should absolutely not procreate” quite like them.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/11-suggested-birthday-gifts/

20 Greeting Cards They Should Make

I feel under-served by the greeting card market. Hallmark does not speak for me. There should be more greeting cards that serve practical purposes and express real feelings–enough of this bunnies and rainbows bullshit.

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No one is actually happy for your anniversary (do I celebrate every year that passes and I’m still alone?), or gives a shit that you and your husband just moved into a new house (Oooooo, you reside in a dwelling–BFD, so do I, WHY THE FUCK SHOULD YOU BE COMMENDED FOR THAT, IF ANYTHING IT’S MUCH HARDER TO SURVIVE AS A HOMELESS PERSON). No one really wishes you well (if we’re being honest, I hope you get Ebola), or is thankful for that piece of shit Christmas gift you bought them (let me get this straight–you bought me a turtleneck, and I’m supposed to be GRATEFUL? I’m sorry, am I a virgin in the year 1995?).

In the name of keeping it 100, here are 20 greeting cards that should be made.

1. Hey, I have HPV. So you may too. Happy Friday!

2. [Front]: THANKS.

[Inside]: For nothing, asshole.

3. PASS.

4. Congrats on graduating, def never thought you would. Seriously am so surprised.

5. [Front]: I would say happy birthday

[Inside]: but I’m not happy it’s your birthday because you’re kind of the worst. No, not even kind of. You are just the worst.

6. NOPE.

7. [Front]: Condolences

[Inside]: You are having a baby.

8. Congratulations I guess or whatever.

9. I’M NOT SORRY.

10. [Front]: This isn’t working out.

[Inside]: BYE.

11. UGH.

12. You put the ‘whore’ in ‘horrible.’

13. You’re welcome.

14. FALL OFF A BRIDGE.

15. [Front]: You are getting married.

[Inside]: Condolences.

16. NO ONE IS HAPPY YOU WERE BORN.

17. [Front]: Happy Mother’s Day.

[Inside]: You cunt.

18. [Front]: Happy Divorce

[Inside]: Told you so LOL.

19. [Front]: Thinking of you…

[Inside]: As I take out the trash.

20. [Front]: Hey I’m pregnant, so just gonna need a check from you to cover the abortion, or Venmo (do you have Venmo? Best if you have a debit card because sometimes it can get real fussy if you try to use a savings account) kthx

[Inside]: Happy Valentine’s Day!

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=42451