Oh, to be 15 again. HAHAHAHAH JK. But to be 15 again and know these things–yes.
1. None of it matters–your homework, the social politics, your AP Biology test, your standardized test scores–all meaningless.
2. That SkyMall would go bankrupt. I would’ve actually taken it seriously at least once. It just feels like I missed an opportunity.
3. Coffee is glorious. Would’ve begun my addiction to it much earlier on.
4. There was more to the world than Old Navy.
5. That Oprah’s talk show wouldn’t last forever–would’ve videotaped that shit.
6. Guys in fact don’t mature.
7. One day I’d have to start doing my own taxes. And that would be the worst day of my life.
8. The guys I thought were hot shit would turn out to be not that.
9. Prom is futile–it’s an exercise in materialism, reinforcing outdated gender roles, and popularity contests for popularity’s sake. PASS.
10. That gel would exist in the world of manicure options. 2 words: life changing.
11. The girls I thought I wanted to be, or who I thought were cool, or who I wanted to accept me, were actually probably/definitely/most likely sociopaths.
12. The competitiveness involved in sports teams was all a bunch of BS that I shouldn’t have let intimidate me into quitting. Like, if I hadn’t, by now I probably would’ve been the next Mia Hamm THANKS A LOT HIGH SCHOOL SOCCER FOR DIMMING THE BRIGHT SHINING SHIMMERING STAR I WAS (but also not really, because no thank you, exercise).
13. It just doesn’t get better than ending your day at 3 PM.
14. Appreciate the opportunity to be carefree and irresponsible. Because it’s only downhill from here (like in a bad way–so not downhill because it’s easy–so maybe uphill? But not like in a ‘things are looking up’ way).
15. It’s perfectly acceptable to tell the cunty Language Arts teacher who gave you a bad grade on your paper on George Orwell’s 1984 because she disagreed with your thesis on the book’s message, even though she admitted to NEVER HAVING READ THE BOOK AND HOW THE FUCK DO YOU BECOME A HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH TEACHER WITHOUT HAVING READ 1984, and then when you protested this, she bragged about having never read Moby Dick either but still being capable of evaluating analyses of these seminal texts she had no firsthand knowledge of, to blow you, and/or suck a bag of Moby dicks.
16. The girl who didn’t like you because you challenged her conservative views on abortion, and who exuded an air of moral authority and academic superiority, would go on to become a secretary. LOL.
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