As Featured on News Cult: Sentences That Were Said at My Thanksgiving Table

This year, I hosted Thanksgiving. And learned it’s amazing what you can do with basically an Easy-Bake Oven and approximately no counter space. And because the dinner conversation was particularly amusing, I thought I’d share with you some of the sentences that were said at my Thanksgiving table (or Thanksgiving table-adjacent). I’ve left names out here** in an effort to respect other people’s privacy, because apparently not everyone shares every personal detail of their lives online. So I’ll leave it up to you to guess who said what.

“You’ve never had a foreskin so you don’t know if they’re sensitive. HA—I win, by virtue of you being circumcised!”

“… So I told the other parents, ‘If his mom and dad are going to murder him, it’s not going to be here [at the school].”

• Person 1: “Who was your 5th grade choir teacher again?”

Person 2: “Ugh God she was a cunt.”

“Guys, I have a huge crotch hole. Just be advised. We’re on crotch alert!”

“Look at this GORGEOUS foam.” -self-satisfied user of a new milk frother

“Yeah, I saw a photo of him at that restaurant where they make you wear a sombrero on your birthday—he does not like Mexicans.”

• Person 1: “One of his male students is named ‘Marvelous.'”

Person 2: “Is that student a black woman?”

“Why do birds have legs? If I were a bird, I would never walk—why wouldn’t you just fly everywhere?”

• Intense laughter at this:

*The choice of banana cream is significant on so many wonderful levels.

Person 1: “Can you tell I’ve gained a lot of weight?”

Person 2: ” ….. “

Person 1: “Who bought a new pair of Uggs?”

Person 2: “… Me—they were on sale! I’ve never seen Uggs on sale.”

Person 1: How many pairs of shoes do you own?”

Person 2: “Umm… Well you counted once.”

Person 1: “OMG you guys, Sarah Silverman is at the table next to us! She’s wearing full-body sweatpants with a loose bun in her hair. I love how real she is.”

Person 2: “Yeah, that’s how celebrities go out—they try to look low key and casual. That’s why the guy at that other table kept staring at you—you have that same look, so he must’ve thought you were someone famous.”

Person 1: “Oh, you mean because I’m wearing my plus-sized women’s sweater, size X/1X (meanwhile no one knows what the X stands for), and boots with holes in them? Is that your way of telling me I look messy?”

Person 2: ” …. “

• Person 1: “I should dress up as Hitler for Halloween one year and see how well that’s received.”

Everyone else at the table: 

“I have a great idea: I’m gonna go to strip clubs, and instead of throwing singles at them, I’m gonna throw college pamphlets.”

• Person 1: [Barrel rolls down big grassy hill, minus the barrel]

Person 2: “Why did you roll diagonally to the left?”

Person 1: “I don’t know.”

Person 2: “It’s because your hips are wider than your shoulders.”

Person 1: What did you just say?”

Person 2: [Points at Person 1] “Look—it’s true!”

**Please note, “Person 1” and “Person 2” are meant simply to designate dialogue at any given point in time, not specific people.

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As Featured on News Cult: My Confessions

On this day that everyone is giving thanks for the fact that we slaughtered, enslaved and oppressed Native Americans, the best way Americans know how—by stuffing their faces—I thought I’d list my confessions instead of what I’m grateful for, cause I ain’t grateful for shit (jk that just sounded cool in my head). I don’t believe in religion so I’ve never been to confessional, but that’s not going to stop me. Consider yourselves my priests, and forgive me, for I have sinned.

1. I kind of think Justin Bieber’s new album is good

So sue me.

2. I laugh at funerals

But to be fair, I laugh at everything.

3. I watch too much crappy reality TV

Ugh. This is my scarlet letter. It’s just so much easier to turn off my brain when I get home from work than watch the news and drown in how fucked up the world will always be. That said, I judge the people on these shows and people who watch these shows hard, and believe strongly that we should all constantly be educating ourselves on meaningful issues. Some may call that hypocrisy; I prefer self-awareness.

4. I love revenge

People say it’s best to “take the high road” and “be the bigger person” and “let things go.” But also, revenge.

5. I don’t think breaking the law is wrong

As long as you don’t get caught. #stopsignsareoptionalifnooneelseisaround

6. I care more about my dog than any human being


She is everything. She is the queen of the world.

7. Cereal is my Kryptonite

I could eat it all day every day. Boxes on boxes.

8. I really don’t care

About anything. #justcan’tdealwithit

9. If you’ve had elective plastic surgery

I hope the silicon leaks into your bloodstream and you die.

10. I’m in love with all of the Trader Joe’s cashiers

Seriously—the cutest, nicest, most fun guys are all concentrated at the Trader Joe’s checkout lines. #minustheHawaiianshirts

11. I think I rock a pretty solid man bun

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As Featured on News Cult: How to Prep for the Holidays

May God have mercy on our souls: the holidays are upon us. Which means family gatherings are upon us. So prepping for the holidays is basically like preparing for war. Batten down the hatches, because WINTER IS COMING. Here’s what you need to do to get yourself ready.

1. Train

It’s as if you’re a boxer and this is your most important match. Run over all the possible questions you’ll be asked by overly inquisitive relatives and how you’ll answer (“Alex, are you dating anyone?” “No, Grandma. But there is one guy I occasionally let come on my face.”); think of all the backhanded insults your siblings might throw your way and how to respond (“I know you have a bad temper so I didn’t want to bring up the fact that I’ll be taking mom’s wedding dress.” “Oh, that’s ok, it’s too big for me anyways.”); punch yourself in the face if you have to (family time over the holidays is your FIGHT CLUB)–toughen up, because come Thanksgiving dinner, you’re gonna take a beating. Or…

2. Drink

An alternative way to numb the pain of the holidays. Start now and don’t stop til they’re over. I recommend a white wine spritzer IV to the spine.

3. Watch lots of Dr. Phil

Take notes. You’ll learn Dr. Phil’s crack fuckin bullshit about how to deal with family drama and also feel a lot better about your family. Dysfunction is relative, y’all.

4. Think of things you like about each of your family members

To make the whole process more bearable.

Mom: she knows like the exact right amount of seconds to let the tea bag steep–EVERY time. So impressive.

Aunt Gina: she usually gives you cute Christmas cards, you think because she fancies herself crafty, but she doesn’t make the cards so she can’t take the creative credit and you really want to tell her that but you’ll settle with just conceding that she has good taste. Sometimes. (Except when it comes to men. Meaning her husband.)

Grandpa: he smells not terrible

Cousin Ralph: …. nope. You tried, but there’s just nothing redeeming there.

5. Get sick

You can’t join Christmas dinner if you’re on your death bed.

6. Buy your gifts early

Because before you know it, it’s December 24th and you haven’t gotten anything for anyone because they’re all impossible to shop for and always say, “Oh, that’s interesting” when they open their gifts from you so what’s even the point you’re not going to please them anyways so you may as well just get them something that requires no thought whatsoever like a gift card or socks. Everyone needs socks–that’s inarguable.

7. Practice smiling

So you’ll be able to seem like you care. (“Congrats on your engagement, Karen! It’s just so great. Honestly the ring is so pretty–which is like a concept that’s new and different for you!” [BIG GRIN–let’s get TOOTHY up in this bitch.]).

8. Cement your place as the family loser

Which won’t be hard, because everything you do is a failure. But this way, people will leave you alone because we don’t talk about problems in this family, and you’ll maybe get some preferential pity treatment out of it, too (the bigger the issues, the better the treatment: some subtle weight gain gets you a mani/pedi on mom; failing out of law school gets your rent paid by your grandparents; and a heroin addiction–well, that’s the jackpot–we’re talking free meals for infinity, parents constantly bailing you out of jail and footing the bills for rehab, and, most importantly, lowered expectations of you–Ca-CHING!)

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