As Featured on News Cult: What to Do When You Get a Flat Tire

Apparently my life motto is, “Alex Eason: taking on all of the world’s car problems so you don’t have to.” As a newly anointed expert on the subject of flat tires, here’s my how-to guide for dealing with them.

1. Panic

You learned how to change a tire once in high school, but oh are those glory days long gone, so you’re SOL up the creek on this one, sans paddle if you know what I mean. Call your dad, obviously. Then lament your misfortune while you cry, of course. Be heavily disappointed in yourself for reinforcing sexist stereotypes, but then remember that every guy you’ve ever dated/every guy you’ve ever worked for/every guy you’ve ever met can’t change his own tire either and feel smugly vindicated that their bitch asses are just as useless as yours.

2. Lie on the ground and give up, because there is clearly no point to living anymore.

3. Call roadside assistance

Because you’re a pathetic excuse for an adult. This is why you get AAA. Or, you could rely on the roadside assistance that came with your car, and 5 hours + 2 cancelled tows later, you’ll be on your way to the mechanic in a tow truck that feels like an earthquake simulator and a driver that’s high, but don’t worry, because he can show you where the only Fatburger in/around LA County that didn’t sell out and still serves wings in a sweet and tangy orange sauce is.

4. Ask if it can be patched

Usually, if the flat is caused by something like a nail in the tread, it can be patched, as opposed to damage to the side wall. Patching is way less expensive than replacing a tire and is totally sufficient. #webroke

5. If you find out it was not an accident, but that somebody slashed it…

Find out who that person is, and then exact revenge in ways they’ve never even heard of (their credit score? Decimated. Their name? On the No Fly List. Herpes? Contracted for the sole purpose of spreading; successfully spread). What they didn’t consider when they slashed your tire is that you’d be able to find out it was them, by means beyond their wildest dreams, and now you get to haunt their every waking moment, which will be plagued by the relentlessly terrorizing knowledge that you know, and you know they know you know, and any instant, a metaphorical bomb could drop (or a real one—just make sure you do it with the stealth of Obama in the drone wars), and BAM—poof goes their illusion that they could get away with fucking with you. Silly rabbit, we don’t get fucked—we fuck. #wedothefucking

6. Leave the shitty tow company that cancels on you a bad Yelp review

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Finally make good on your threat to leave a Yelp review.

7. Become friends with the mechanic

He’ll laugh at the “I ❤ MY PENIS” air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror, and you’ll tell him that it’s supposed to be a joke but also kind of a feminist statement, and he’ll respond with, “it’s cute,” and then he’ll tell you he’s impressed that you drive a stick because not many girls do, and you’ll be so tempted to point out all of the patriarchal things wrong with alll of that, but you bite your tongue because anything in the name of getting things for free, right? #it’shardoutthereforafeminist

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As Featured on News Cult: Travel Tips

Since I am well-versed in experiencing travel with a side of raft de shit, allow me to bestow upon you some advice for making it easier. 

1. Pack light

In other words, think, “what would a Real Housewife do (WWARHD)”? And then do the opposite. 

2. Forget your makeup 

You’re not going to have time or energy to spend hours painting your face until it’s socially acceptable. And you won’t be seeing anyone you know amongst the masses of other travelers anyways. Although knowing our luck, your ex will show up with his model girlfriend and you’ll be sporting the wet rat look. But whatever—her looks will fade soon enough and then you’ll rejoice in her misery. Plus, no makeup equals less to carry. #winwinwinning

3. Similarly, wear exclusively sweatpants 

You’ll want to be comfortable in transit. Traveling is no time to try to impress anyone. Actually, no time is time to impress anyone. But travel involves lots of uncomfortable seating, so sweatpants are especially justified here. Although I would say this is really the number one rule to live by generally in life. 

4. Follow someone from your flight to locate baggage claim

Why is it that it’s always impossible to find your baggage claim carousel? And that everyone else knows their carousel number except you? This is why you need to stalk your fellow passengers when you deplane. In order to do this, you’ll need to make an effort to memorize the appearance of at least five people on your flight before you land. If that means walking up and down the aisle, scanning the rows of passengers and stopping to stare at and evaluate a desirable or at least sufficient candidate for five minutes, then so be it. How else are you going to remember who was on your plane when you’re frantically searching the crowds at baggage claim, trying to figure out where you’re supposed to be and where you fit in and why you’re alone in life and have no purpose?

5. Don’t 

How about you just stay at home and refrain from cluttering the world with your presence? There are enough of us trying to get places—we don’t need you clogging up the thoroughfares. You want to see the world? Sorry, couldn’t hear you over the sound of me not giving a fuck. You need to go to Europe for your cousin’s wedding? Let me save you a trip—he only invited you out of a sense of obligation. He doesn’t really want you there, tainting the beautiful, perfectly put-together occasion with your chubby figure. You need to visit your grandma before she dies? No you don’t—she’ll manage. 

6. Pretend to be someone else

There will be no shortage of pests asking you where you’re going, why you’re going there, where you came from, why you came from there, blah blah blah blah blah. They don’t understand that your presence is not an invitation to conversation. So just make up an alter ego—one that doesn’t engage in conversation with strangers. And, better yet, one that makes strangers not want to engage in conversation. E.g. You could be Marla from Tennessee, who’s on the lam after having kidnapped her ex-husband’s new wife, rolled her in a tub of sprayable Easy Cheese, locked her in a remote shed and thrown away the key. Or you could be Carl, a man who believes he can sniff out virgins based on the stage of their menses, and that they should be sacrificed if they’re redheads [of course for this one, you’ll say all this while sniffing the person you’re saying it to, who ideally will be a redheaded female]. Another alternative is Shaqounita, a missionary from Texas, whose life purpose is to pair Russian mail-order brides with their future husbands. #OrdainedMatchmaker 

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