As Featured on News Cult: How to Deal with Flaky People

We’ve all had to deal with flaky people. And it’s no secret they’re the worst. They bail on plans, take three days to text you back, and jerk you around like you’re stances on important issues and they’re Hillary Clinton. They live by one principle, and one principle only: inconsideration. And thus, are the ultimate narcissists. But perhaps the saddest part of all of this is that we let them affect us. We’re at their beck and call—ready and willing to be flaked on and then come back for some more. And while I’m sure there’s some psychological phenomenon(-a?) that can be attributed to, rather than try to make sense of our masochistic tendencies, let’s just agree that we’ve had enough. Fuck the flakes. Here’s how you deal with them.

Flake on them right back

How do they like it? How’s it feel to be flaked on, huh? Actually they probably won’t care or notice, but as a matter of principle, we’ll treat them how they treat others. #flakeesturnedflakers

cut them out of your life

Snippity SNIP that dead weight. You have to go cold turkey. Otherwise, you’ll be forever caught in their web. Delete their number, destroy any and all evidence of their existence (yes, this applies to burning their house down), and refuse to engage if they contact you. Put yourself into witness protection if you have to. Join Scientology—I don’t care, just whatever it takes to get out from under the flaky hold.

TAKE A HIT OUT ON THEM

Just straight up have them murdered. This may seem drastic, but the world would be better off without them. So, you’re welcome, everybody.

hang out with non-flakes

I know, revolutionary—how about trying to populate your life with decent people instead of those who treat you like you’re disposable? I’ve heard there are a few not-completely-shitty humans out there, so go get ’em. *Hint: start with the Trader Joe’s cashiers (literally any of them—their excellence is unmatched).

distract yourself

If you’re finding it difficult not to get entangled with a flaky person, fill your schedule with a lot of other things so you’ll be left with no time, energy, or head space to focus on them. Take up water aerobics, join a motorcycle club, speed walk with your 94-year old neighbor, FaceTime relentlessly with your dog, pour yourself into your work (LOL…OL), get into a spirited debate with a Hillary supporter which just consists of you repeatedly asking them to justify the Iraq War and them repeatedly saying, “I don’t owe you an explanation,” make a unicorn costume because you’re FUCKING MAGICAL, volunteer to impart all of your inappropriate advice read to kids, mail glitter bombs to all of your enemies, use all of your sick days on a Golden Girls marathon… The possibilities are endless.

make friends with their friends

Become super close to their inner circle. Just to make a point—(“Even though you don’t seem to value me, other people do. In other words, flake on me and I will replace you, motherfucker.” #onlyBeyoncéisirreplaceable #actuallyapparentlyevensheisn’t #I’myourBeckywiththegoodhair,bitch #Infiltration101).

don’t even start with them

Although you’ve been known to make some pretty terrible decisions, your intuition is sometimes right. So if when you first meet someone, you sense that they’re flaky, don’t even begin a relationship with them, friendship or otherwise. There’s no point in starting something that’s going to eventually reveal itself to just be you spending hours waiting by the phone, unfulfilled, crying on the bathroom floor a whole lot of nothing. Save yourself the heartache. #NEXT

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/deal-flaky-people/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Make the Most of Your Free Time

For most of us, there’s a pretty clear distinction when it comes to “free time”: it’s time we get to spend doing whatever we want, free of any obligations (especially work). If  you’re one of those fuckers who loves their job, then perhaps the line is a bit blurrier and free time less precious to you. But for the rest of us, it’s like coffee, or alcohol, or justice, or a green arrow on a left turn: there is never enough of it. Which is why you have to make the most of it. Here’s how.

Focus

Something we are terrible at. But if you make an intentional choice (yes, this is something a yoga teacher would say, and thus something we would normally mock mercilessly, but just bear with me) to make your free time just about free time, not about any obligations, you’ll get more out of it. Otherwise, what’s the point? If you’re going to watch a TV show you like, or get a massage, or go on vacation while also answering emails, calls and texts non-stop the whole time, you may as well just turn the TV off, skip the massage, and stay at the office. The ‘conscious effort’ methodology is great for us not just because it will help us truly enjoy our free time, but also because it’s a totally valid excuse to tell everyone to fuck off, which is our favorite thing. #allIwantforChristmasisforyoutofuckoff

Plan ahead

If you’re bad at carving out free time, plan ahead to use it. E.g. schedule a vacation a few months in advance, or buy tickets for a show you really want to see right when they go on sale, or promise a friend you’ll take that hike with them next weekend. While we are spectacular at cancelling plans, if we make them, at least that’s a bit more motivation to follow through on our free time-enjoyment efforts. Which brings me to…

Have skin in the game

If you set it up so that you have something to lose by not enjoying your free time, you’ll be more likely to take advantage of it. Like if you spend money on flights for a vacation, you’re unlikely to cancel them. Or if you know that you’ll have to pay for your massage after it’s over, you’ll make more of an attempt to really relax and benefit from it. This is sad of course, because it means we are motivated by money, but that’s what we get for building a capitalistic society. If I had it my way, we’d all still be trading: you give me a goat, I’ll give you some clay beads; you give me a smallpox blanket, I’ll give you your scalp on a fucking platter.

Be selfish

Allow yourself to look out for #1. I’m not saying be like most people and dwell in assholic narcissism, but just that you can enjoy the little things in life and still be a decent human. Remember, as a yoga teacher would also say and make us want to smack them in their fat mouth: in order to help and take care of others, you first have to care for yourself.  As Donna Meagle, our collective spirit animal, says, “treat yo’ self.”

Find something you like

I know, this is impossible. But maybe there’s something out there in the world you mildly, tepidly enjoy doing, which will be a good use of your free time. Like, for me, it’s crusading against insurance companies. All of them. Just tornadoing right the fuck through them. For you, it might be quilting, or walking your dog. For Hillary Clinton, it’s committing war crimes. Whatever ruins the most lives in the name of money and power floats your boat, right?

Remember no one is going to do it for you

I cannot reiterate enough that no👏one👏gives👏a👏shit👏a👏bout👏you👏. If the world had its way, you’d be its slave forever, never getting any free time. No one is going to ensure your life is enjoyable and that you relish your free time for you. It’s on you, boo. It’s like oxygen masks on planes—every man, woman and child for himself. #everyoneelsecanchokeanddie

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/make-free-time/

 

As Featured on News Cult: How to Boost Your Mood

Our mood is perpetually bad. We hate everything, and with good reason. But, we’re stuck here, so we may as well try not to be miserable 24/7. Enter: mood boosting. A technique we use to delude ourselves into feeling a little less bad for a little while. Here’s how to do it.

Sleep

I find that sleep is the solution to every problem. Got too much to do? Sleep. Sick? Sleep. You’re unlovable? Sleep. Throw. in. the. to. wel. You’ll be less cranky the more you sleep. Mostly because you’ll have to spend less minutes in the day facing the sad pathetic reality that is your life and the terrible people who surround you. #here’stobeingunconscious

Change up your routine

You know what puts you in a bad mood? The same old bullshit drudgery of the day-to-day. So do something different. I don’t care if that means buying a different scent of deodorant (“powder” is only “fresh” for so long you feel me?), taking off on an unplanned road trip in the middle of your workday, or telling your company’s receptionist to blow you—just give yourself a jolt of newness. Something to upset the status quo and pointlessness that you live alldayeveryday.

Take a bath

Baths are such refuge—a place to escape physical & mental distress. Baths are like safe zones, where nothing exists—everything just vanishes and you become weightless. It’s really too bad you ever have to get out. I hate to make the womb reference, but I’m gonna go there—we can fuck with the womb. It’s when we leave it that everything goes south. #it’salldownhillfromthere #oruphill? #becausedownhilliseasy #uphilliswhattakeseffort #eventhoughupisgenerallythedirectionassociatedwithpositivity #butlikeforrealcansomebodyclarifythatsaying

Listen to music, watch TV or a movie

Good music is king. Or watch a funny TV show. Live in someone else’s world for a while. #areyounoticingapattern #ifyou’renotgoingtoletusdoheroinwe’regoingtoneedothermeansofescape

….. Exercise?

I mean…. because.. science? Ugh it’s so hard to try to act like I believe in exercise. Frankly I don’t care if it produces good end results. Like, the journey isn’t worth it for real. Fuck endorphins, man, all you need is Skittles and chocolate milk.

Do something just purely for fun

Do something that’s not stressful, but just plain hedonistic. Whether that’s riding a roller coaster, coloring with your BAMF metallic colored pencils, playing Cards Against Humanity, having not-terrible sex (#istheresuchathing), eating something delicious, skydiving, looking at pictures of tween Drake for 3 hours, starting a Twitter war with Deborah Messing, or reading Hillary Clinton’s emails, just revel in it.

Medication

I’m not a pill-pusher, but life is hard enough—add to that serious mood swings or depression, and then it’s just like BYE. If medication actually helps you, go for it. Plus, you’ll become BFFs with your pharmacist—NO ONE will experience your ups and downs quite like him. #andnoonewillknowhowmanyyeastinfectionsyougetquitelikehim #that’struefriendship

Volunteer

Doing good makes you feel good. Also being around those less fortunate than you snaps you out of your privileged malaise. Or, if you want to do bourg-y volunteering, then hang with some puppies. If puppies don’t boost your mood then you should probably just kill yourself.

Go outside

Get some fresh air, or, if you’re in a place like LA, inhale the disgustingly polluted and toxic smog that surrounds you! Rain or shine, just soak it in, take some deep breaths, and remember that you can always leave wherever or whatever is putting you in a bad mood and get back to nature. That is, until climate change destroys it, the sun explodes and engulfs us, and we all burn to a crisp.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/9-things-will-really-boost-mood/