As Featured on News Cult: How to Make the Most of Your Free Time

For most of us, there’s a pretty clear distinction when it comes to “free time”: it’s time we get to spend doing whatever we want, free of any obligations (especially work). If  you’re one of those fuckers who loves their job, then perhaps the line is a bit blurrier and free time less precious to you. But for the rest of us, it’s like coffee, or alcohol, or justice, or a green arrow on a left turn: there is never enough of it. Which is why you have to make the most of it. Here’s how.

Focus

Something we are terrible at. But if you make an intentional choice (yes, this is something a yoga teacher would say, and thus something we would normally mock mercilessly, but just bear with me) to make your free time just about free time, not about any obligations, you’ll get more out of it. Otherwise, what’s the point? If you’re going to watch a TV show you like, or get a massage, or go on vacation while also answering emails, calls and texts non-stop the whole time, you may as well just turn the TV off, skip the massage, and stay at the office. The ‘conscious effort’ methodology is great for us not just because it will help us truly enjoy our free time, but also because it’s a totally valid excuse to tell everyone to fuck off, which is our favorite thing. #allIwantforChristmasisforyoutofuckoff

Plan ahead

If you’re bad at carving out free time, plan ahead to use it. E.g. schedule a vacation a few months in advance, or buy tickets for a show you really want to see right when they go on sale, or promise a friend you’ll take that hike with them next weekend. While we are spectacular at cancelling plans, if we make them, at least that’s a bit more motivation to follow through on our free time-enjoyment efforts. Which brings me to…

Have skin in the game

If you set it up so that you have something to lose by not enjoying your free time, you’ll be more likely to take advantage of it. Like if you spend money on flights for a vacation, you’re unlikely to cancel them. Or if you know that you’ll have to pay for your massage after it’s over, you’ll make more of an attempt to really relax and benefit from it. This is sad of course, because it means we are motivated by money, but that’s what we get for building a capitalistic society. If I had it my way, we’d all still be trading: you give me a goat, I’ll give you some clay beads; you give me a smallpox blanket, I’ll give you your scalp on a fucking platter.

Be selfish

Allow yourself to look out for #1. I’m not saying be like most people and dwell in assholic narcissism, but just that you can enjoy the little things in life and still be a decent human. Remember, as a yoga teacher would also say and make us want to smack them in their fat mouth: in order to help and take care of others, you first have to care for yourself.  As Donna Meagle, our collective spirit animal, says, “treat yo’ self.”

Find something you like

I know, this is impossible. But maybe there’s something out there in the world you mildly, tepidly enjoy doing, which will be a good use of your free time. Like, for me, it’s crusading against insurance companies. All of them. Just tornadoing right the fuck through them. For you, it might be quilting, or walking your dog. For Hillary Clinton, it’s committing war crimes. Whatever ruins the most lives in the name of money and power floats your boat, right?

Remember no one is going to do it for you

I cannot reiterate enough that no👏one👏gives👏a👏shit👏a👏bout👏you👏. If the world had its way, you’d be its slave forever, never getting any free time. No one is going to ensure your life is enjoyable and that you relish your free time for you. It’s on you, boo. It’s like oxygen masks on planes—every man, woman and child for himself. #everyoneelsecanchokeanddie

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/make-free-time/

 

As Featured on News Cult: How to Boost Your Mood

Our mood is perpetually bad. We hate everything, and with good reason. But, we’re stuck here, so we may as well try not to be miserable 24/7. Enter: mood boosting. A technique we use to delude ourselves into feeling a little less bad for a little while. Here’s how to do it.

Sleep

I find that sleep is the solution to every problem. Got too much to do? Sleep. Sick? Sleep. You’re unlovable? Sleep. Throw. in. the. to. wel. You’ll be less cranky the more you sleep. Mostly because you’ll have to spend less minutes in the day facing the sad pathetic reality that is your life and the terrible people who surround you. #here’stobeingunconscious

Change up your routine

You know what puts you in a bad mood? The same old bullshit drudgery of the day-to-day. So do something different. I don’t care if that means buying a different scent of deodorant (“powder” is only “fresh” for so long you feel me?), taking off on an unplanned road trip in the middle of your workday, or telling your company’s receptionist to blow you—just give yourself a jolt of newness. Something to upset the status quo and pointlessness that you live alldayeveryday.

Take a bath

Baths are such refuge—a place to escape physical & mental distress. Baths are like safe zones, where nothing exists—everything just vanishes and you become weightless. It’s really too bad you ever have to get out. I hate to make the womb reference, but I’m gonna go there—we can fuck with the womb. It’s when we leave it that everything goes south. #it’salldownhillfromthere #oruphill? #becausedownhilliseasy #uphilliswhattakeseffort #eventhoughupisgenerallythedirectionassociatedwithpositivity #butlikeforrealcansomebodyclarifythatsaying

Listen to music, watch TV or a movie

Good music is king. Or watch a funny TV show. Live in someone else’s world for a while. #areyounoticingapattern #ifyou’renotgoingtoletusdoheroinwe’regoingtoneedothermeansofescape

….. Exercise?

I mean…. because.. science? Ugh it’s so hard to try to act like I believe in exercise. Frankly I don’t care if it produces good end results. Like, the journey isn’t worth it for real. Fuck endorphins, man, all you need is Skittles and chocolate milk.

Do something just purely for fun

Do something that’s not stressful, but just plain hedonistic. Whether that’s riding a roller coaster, coloring with your BAMF metallic colored pencils, playing Cards Against Humanity, having not-terrible sex (#istheresuchathing), eating something delicious, skydiving, looking at pictures of tween Drake for 3 hours, starting a Twitter war with Deborah Messing, or reading Hillary Clinton’s emails, just revel in it.

Medication

I’m not a pill-pusher, but life is hard enough—add to that serious mood swings or depression, and then it’s just like BYE. If medication actually helps you, go for it. Plus, you’ll become BFFs with your pharmacist—NO ONE will experience your ups and downs quite like him. #andnoonewillknowhowmanyyeastinfectionsyougetquitelikehim #that’struefriendship

Volunteer

Doing good makes you feel good. Also being around those less fortunate than you snaps you out of your privileged malaise. Or, if you want to do bourg-y volunteering, then hang with some puppies. If puppies don’t boost your mood then you should probably just kill yourself.

Go outside

Get some fresh air, or, if you’re in a place like LA, inhale the disgustingly polluted and toxic smog that surrounds you! Rain or shine, just soak it in, take some deep breaths, and remember that you can always leave wherever or whatever is putting you in a bad mood and get back to nature. That is, until climate change destroys it, the sun explodes and engulfs us, and we all burn to a crisp.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/9-things-will-really-boost-mood/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Battle Homesickness

Even though being around family can be a challenge, being away from them can sometimes, surprisingly, be even worse. Being away from home will make you realize you have feelings you didn’t think you ever possibly could—love for other human beings, compassion, sensitivity, the need for close relationships, and all the other things that have historically made you gag.  Enter: homesickness. Whether you’re going to sleep away camp for the first time at 10 years old or living and working in a faraway city, alone, in your 30’s, homesickness is real. Here’s how to battle it.

Video chat

For some reason this is more fulfilling than other forms of communication, like regular phone calls, texting, emailing, etc. Probably because it feels more real since you can see each other, disappointing bodies and all. And the software continues to become more accessible. You can pretty much do it any time, anywhere—while you’re at the grocery store, sobbing on your kitchen floor, need advice while clothes shopping, watching the same TV show so you can discuss and commentate in real time, during holiday gatherings so you can at least be virtually present for the dysfunction, and so on. My personal favorite is to video chat with my dogs. I don’t even need to see my family—just position the phone so I can see the animal and then you can leave.

Group texts

Loop your family into a group text chain so you feel like you’re still part of the tribe, can easily get/give updates, and won’t have a sense of displacement or missing out. Of course, you run the risk that your family members won’t respond to you or engage in the chain, which will make you feel like you’re talking to a wall, except this wall is composed of the only people you could probably ever really count on, although clearly you can’t, and I bet they have a whole separate chain going without you because frankly your loud voice annoys them and even though they can’t hear it over text they basically can because it’s that loud, plus they find your passion for certain conversation topics off-putting even though you think it’s perfectly reasonable to demand that if someone is going to say that they liked Spotlight, and, furthermore, didn’t take issue with Mark Ruffalo’s facial twitch, which can’t even be made ok by his stellar real-life politics (#feelthebern), they should be prepared to defend their position.

Make a point of going home for holidays

As many as you feasibly can, given your work schedule and budget. Plan far ahead to save money and so you’ll have something to look forward to. This way you won’t feel isolated during  every holiday (just most of them—silver linings, guys!). Like, even if you don’t give a fuck about Easter, go home for it, because otherwise, I guarantee that when your boss comes back from lunch one day having bought a giant nesting egg set to fill with candy for his toddler, you’ll burst into uncontrollable sobs about how you don’t have anyone who cares enough to plan an Easter egg hunt for you and yes you’re almost 30 but that’s not the point it’s the thought that counts and right now the only thought anyone is giving you is that apparently you sound like an emotionally unstable elephant to your downstairs neighbor when you walk around even though you’ve explained to them that genetically you’re big-boned and you’re not sorry about it and furthermore your robust thighs are actually appreciated in certain cultures so MAYBE they should broaden their worldview.

Remind yourself of what a pain your family can be

If you meditate on this every day, you’ll be a lot more grateful for your solitude, and less homesick about it. Spend 10-20 minutes each morning (at sunrise of course) mindfully visualizing how irritating it was to live under your parents’ roof (seriously just because they’re subsidizing your existence does not give them the right to ask you how your day was), how painful dinners with your extended family are because everyone can never agree on just how much of an asshole your cousin’s baby daddy is, and how you have absolutely zero privacy when family visits or vice versa (locks on doors won’t stop them!). #here’stoneversharingabathroomeveragain

Be social

Ugh I know. I knowwwwwwwww. But I am only suggesting this as a last resort. If you’re feeling lonely because you miss your family and there’s no other immediate solution, (here’s looking at you, unanswered group texts), you need to put yourself in a social situation that will make you forget your homesickness. I’m sure if you search your soul hard enough, you’ll find a gathering you can attend for at least 30 minutes before coming to the conclusion that you need to be shot in the face, STAT. If all else fails, just go hang out in the freezer section of any given grocery store—that is where you’ll find your people. #icecream&frozenpizza #theHolyland

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/5-sure-fire-ways-get-home-sick/     

As Featured on News Cult: How to Survive Your Existential Crisis

Existential crises: we all have them—some of us every moment of every day more frequently, others who are kidding themselves into thinking they’re mentally stable less so. They may be triggered by a jarring experience or unexpected event, like you making one small, miniscule, arguably immaterial typo on a government application and having to pay thousands of dollars as a result (ONE LETTER—IT WAS ONE FUCKING LETTER WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN LIVES), or they may simply occur because existence makes absolutely no sense. Either way, you can survive them, despite seemingly insurmountable odds. Take it from someone well-acquainted with the existential crisis—here’s how to get through it.

Give your life a point

Because it doesn’t really have one, right? We all die eventually and the world will end one day, too (pls see: science). But if you don’t decide to make up some reason for which you’re living, you’ll just devolve into madness. So, yes, we accept the premise that our lives are pointless, but then we choose to move on from that, overlook it, and assign a meaning to things—one that we can believe in enough to make us buy the lie that we’re telling ourselves, that our existence isn’t futile. Whether it’s to be a crusader against corrupt insurance companies (some of us have accepted that this is apparently our destiny), or to create art that brings others relief, or to be the best barista this side of the Mason-Dixon line (but for real does anyone know where that is?), go after something, or multiple things, that you feel will have an impact you would like to make, even if it’s just in the short term.

Surrender

To the crazy mess that is everything. Literally nothing makes sense. But the less you resent that, the more enjoyable life can be. I’m not saying you have to be thrilled with the everyday drudgery, but maybe, by accepting things the way they are, you’ll open yourself up to experiencing happier things, tiny and insignificant as they may be. Like if you forget for a moment that you have no direction in life, you may be able to genuinely laugh and find humor in something, like someone tripping on the sidewalk, or Donald Trump’s “hair,” or the stupid thing your boss just asked you to do [make sure to laugh uproariously right in their face for this one].

Remember you are most certainly not alone

Everyone is fighting their own battles all day every day, and you’d be surprised at how similar peoples’ struggles are. So take comfort in the fact that life is shit for everyone, not just you! We are miserable and we do love company.

Study philosophy

You’ll realize that many brilliant minds have tackled the issues you’re facing (which is all just a way of saying you’re brilliant, of course—your apathetic disillusionment is a revolt against the hollow delusions of society at large and totally enhanced by your wardrobe of exclusively mismatched thrift shop clothing). Read some Kierkegaard, for fuck’s sake.

Cry

Preferably on the floor, as usual. Also preferably over the phone to someone—because for all their idiocy, people can sometimes be helpful/comforting. But def do not cry to someone in person because then they’d see your ugly cryface (is there any other kind?). Cry. it. out. And then pick up the pieces and move on. To your next existential crisis. Because they never end. #settlein

Remind yourself it could always be worse

Whatever spurs your existential crisis, try to remember all the things that could be worse. Even if yours is pretty bad, there’s always further down to go. At least in the white first world. Like, I get it, but Flint; homelessnessno access to healthcare; no access to education; deportation; oppression; war. Look at it like you’re fortunate enough to even be able to have an existential crisis. People with real problems don’t have time for that shit. #tbh #don’tgetyourpantiesinatwistoverthefirstworldcomment #Iknowafewwhitepeoplehaverealproblemstoo

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/survive-existential-crisis/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Deal with Your OCD

To my fellow sufferers of OCD: I am in the trenches with you. OCD is, on its surface, charming and endearing (“awww, how cute that everything on your desk has to be perfectly neat—parallel lines ONLY—or you’ll have a complete meltdown!”). But really, it’s awful. It’s a prison that keeps you trapped in an endless cycle of obsessive thoughts, compulsions, and rituals, for fear of something catastrophic. Of course everyone who has OCD experiences it differently, but over eight years of therapy and counting, I’ve found some effective ways of dealing with it that I think others may find helpful too. So if you’re struggling with OCD, here are some coping mechanisms you can try.

Exposure therapy

I’d recommend visiting a therapist who specializes in this, but the poor man’s DIY version is to simply exposure yourself to what you are afraid of without engaging in any compulsions. You start gradual and work your way up to more intense exposures. For example, say you fear that you will run over a child, so you won’t drive anywhere near where children are likely to be (i.e. schools, playgrounds, parks, etc.). The exposure would be to have sessions where you drive around while your therapist throws strollers at your car, and keep driving (but seriously—this is a thing). You may start with driving around for just 1 minute and work your way up to 10. Or start with 1 stroller and work your way up to 10. The theory is that the more you are exposed to what you fear, the less you will eventually fear it and need to engage in compulsive behavior in order to stop it from happening—because through exposure, you’ll see that your fear is exaggerated, and possibly even completely unrealistic, depending on the context. Of course there is not one right way of doing exposure therapy, and it can get fairly complicated and nuanced, depending on the case, but generally I think it’s beneficial and makes sense. (If  you decide to put your exposure practice to use in the real world, though, by, for example, deciding to drive by a school one day, and you actually do run over a child, you should probably just kill yourself).

Nip it in the bud

Literally force yourself to stop obsessing/engaging in your compulsion of choice. You have to just stop—you can’t try to reason yourself into stopping, because that, too, will lead to more obsessive thinking. Do whatever you have to do to snap out of it—punch yourself in the face (localize the pain!), get up and go do something (go to the grocery store—there is literally always something you need to pick up from the grocery store at any given point in time), turn on the news and distract yourself with the terrible state of affairs in the world, actually do some work at work, burst into song/laughter/tears/laughter-tears… Just get your mind onto a whole different track.

Reach out to someone

If you’re engaged with someone else, it’s a lot harder to be engaged with your OCD. So call someone—anyone. Your mom, your best friend, the girl who waxes you. Ask the Time Warner Cable customer service rep for their life story. Ask the Trader Joe’s cashier if they want to hang out (because they are literally the coolest people in the universe and you would be honored). Get into a conversation that will force you to interact outside of your own head, and be accountable to someone and something other than your own compulsive urges.

Exhaust yourself

Do something that will physically exhaust you so that you won’t even have the mental energy left to spend on your OCD. Run in place, mop your floors, exert any slight bit of bodily effort—anything that will tire you out quickly. This shouldn’t be hard to accomplish given that you are a member of the sloth species.

Have a fallback plan

If you have to spend time trying to figure out how to dig yourself out of your OCD spiral, it will take longer to do, which means risking spiraling further and further to the point of no return (and trust me, you do not want to get to the point of having to spend any time in a mental hospital—the food sucks). But if you have a plan of three things you can fall back on that can engage you immediately, every time your OCD starts to overwhelm you, relief will come quicker. For example, your plan of attack upon the onset of an OCD flare-up could be to either:

1. Make a really difficult recipe that will require a lot of focus and concentration (which you will inevitably fail at and have to try at least four more times before you get it right—BAM, time-suck initiated!)

-OR-

2. Hand-wash your car (and wax it too. AND clean the inside. This will take you forever because you don’t own a hose, haven’t cleaned your car since you got it… 9 years ago, and have no clue how to wax a car, despite having watched The Karate Kid).

-OR-

3. Do your coloring book. I don’t care how juvenile this may sound, because it’s the most relaxing, absorbing activity. CHILDREN: HANG ON TO YOUR YOUTH.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/actually-winning-battle-deal-ocd/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Manage Social Media

Social media is a weapon. It can be used for good or evil (symbolically speaking—because I have no idea what “good” and “evil” really are, and frankly does anyone? If the current state of the world, or actually any state the world has ever been in ever, is any indication, then no). It’s a fucking minefield—hard to navigate. It seems like it’s mostly used by people to promote images of themselves and their lives that are idealistic. And everyone buys into it—it’s a race to seem the best. And the saddest part is that we all know this—we’re all in on the joke, and yet we ferociously play along, trying to be the prettiest, the most popular, the happiest, the most well-traveled. It’s actually kind of sad, not to mention futile and self-destructive, so I’m a firm believer in finding productive ways to use social media, or not use it at all.

I think one of the best uses for social media is activism. It really is an amazing tool we’ve been given that we could use for vapid purposes like showing off how bangable we look on our way out for a night on the town, or how big our engagement ring is because the size of the diamond must be proportional to how lovable we are, or how we went on this really like spiritual, life-changing journey to India and saw just so many poor brown people and lots of sweeping mountainscapes—or—we could use to it advocate for social, political, and environmental causes—things that actually matter. Not just to us, but to everyone.

On social media, we can share news, articles, petitions, activist efforts, etc., about what dire circumstances our planet is in, how our political systems are corrupt and social injustice plagues our communities, and how we can change those things—how we can improve them. We can spread these messages like wildfire, and use the viral aspects of social media to the world’s advantage. Get out there and start discussions, engage with people, mobilize, and get shit done. Don’t just use technology and the Internet to self-promote and subscribe to materialistic, media-driven obsessions. Use it to spread the word about politics, volunteer opportunities, sustainable living; to debate with people about why Hillary Clinton doesn’t deserve votes and Bernie Sanders does, and be told that you’re simply wrong, without any reasoning why, and then respond with a 500-word essay on all of the reasons, evidence, and facts to back up your stance, and then never hear back. Multiple times! The possibilities are endless.

Another way I think social media is advantageous is in creative pursuits. If you aspire to be your own boss, own a business, or create content, social media is a great way to promote and share that. Start a shop on Etsy and dedicate your social media accounts to building that business. If you want to be a photographer, writer, musician, or artist, etc., start your own website or blog so that you own your own content, and then use Facebook, Twitter, etc. to share it; (and a side note about photos—Instagram says it owns every photo you put on it, so consider copyrighting your photos on your own site and either not sharing them on Instagram or sharing “teasers” of them, like screen shots, partial shots, or watermarked shots).

There’s no better way to receive free marketing than social media. And eventually, you can even monetize your content via social media, by paying to promote your website on social media (and then hopefully making the money back and then some from the resulting traffic to your site), or selling ad space on your site after it’s gotten big enough through your promotion of it on social media, or working with other brands on social media to cross-promote each other.

Now, I won’t rule out the possibility of using social media to your advantage in slightly less admirable ways, too. I just don’t think it’s worth getting too wrapped up in the black hole of comparing yourself to others and putting on facades. But, should, say, your ex-boyfriend start posting pics of his new trophy girlfriend and professing his love to her in over-dramatic ways, or someone chooses to use the public forum to talk unnecessary shit on/around/about you, or decides to make the mistake of ghosting you, you are well within your rights to ruin their life, and use social media to do so. You can accomplish this by waging a campaign of #bomb selfies, posting a smart, tactful thesis that shoots down every aspect of their being without even mentioning their name (because we’re the motherfucking ghosts—smooth, sly, and you’ll never see us coming), or becoming super successful and everything they want to be but aren’t and posting nothing but positive things on your social media to convey this, leaving them to choke and drown in a pool of their own tears. #ournameisFeliciabitch #byeeeeeee

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/manage-social-media-like-pro/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Talk to Republicans

Republicans are… the worst. They range on a sliding scale from really bigoted and greedy to slightly less bigoted and greedy. Some of them want to be selective republicans (i.e., “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative“), but if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s a fucking Republican; (news flash: thinking gay marriage is all good does not negate your insistence that rich people should pay the same amount of taxes as someone living below the poverty line. BLOW ME.). Needless to say, interacting with them without becoming homicidally suicidal is basically impossible. So allow me to help you—here’s how to talk to republicans.

Try to find some common ground

And cling to that. Do not veer onto other topics of conversation—stick with only what you can agree on. I.e.:

•”So, I bet you like ice cream. Everybody likes ice cream, right?”…… “Oh, you think it’s a gateway drug? Okay.”

•”Aren’t cardinals just beautiful birds?”…… “You don’t like them because they’re red, the color of grubby Communist leeches? Great!”

•”It’s so hot out today!”….. “Climate change isn’t real?… Awesome.”

Be drunk

Inebriation will just help so much with the whole being in their presence thing. It’ll be easier to let the awful things they say slide off your shoulders if you’re two sheets to the wind. But make sure to stay happy drunk—the last thing we need is to enter the belligerent drunk zone, where all will go to hell at the first mention of “pro life.”

Imagine you’re talking to a small child

Turn up the baby voice, use only simple words, and speak very slowly. E.g.:

•”Hi there! That is a pretty shirt you have on.” [Pinch their cheeks]

•”Well aren’t you just a little bitty cutie wootie! Yes you are. Yes you are!”

•”I bet you have a lot of cool toys! Let me guess—some baby dolls, toy guns, and a miniature Audi R8?”

Challenge them

If politics come up, you cannot stand idly by while they spout absurd nonsense. It is your duty to speak out and protest. So challenge them on their stances. Like, if they say they don’t think healthcare should be socialized, ask them if they think it’s a human right and should be accessible to all people, or only those who cheat on their taxes and hide their money in offshore trust funds so they’re wealthy enough to afford its exorbitant costs. If they’re a proponent of U.S. military violence and intervention abroad, ask them on precisely what grounds, demanding they explain starting from the inception of whatever conflict/war they’re attempting to justify (so at least a century ago). If they say they’re against abortion, ask them why they think it’s their right to dictate what other women can do with their bodies, when they’re perfectly entitled to control their own shitty body and decide whether or not to litter the earth with their own terrible offspring. And because undoubtedly their claims will be baseless, come ready with a printed and bound book of written sources that provide evidence to back up your assertions. And a mic to drop.

Don’t

Sometimes it’s just too much, because you can’t stand what they’re saying and you can’t change their minds—so just don’t talk to them if you can avoid it. If you can’t avoid it (which like why couldn’t you unless you willingly surround yourself with repubs, which says a lot more about your character judgment and integrity than anything else—meaning it says that you’re the problem, because you can’t just ‘agree to disagree’ with the most important people in your life on the most important issues in your life/the world/everyone else’s lives DON’T BE SO SELFISH AND HYPOCRITICAL), then just always have an excuse ready to get out of the conversation. Whether it’s that you need to grab some water [and never come back], are deaf, just got a call that your neighbor’s cat is in the ER, or that there are lots of homeless people dying on the streets who need your help because contrary to some people’s beliefs, they’re not just lazy drug addicts mooching off the welfare system, just bow out. #SEEYA #wouldn’twannabeya #orhaveyouinelectedoffice

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/how-to-talk-to-republicans/

 

As Featured on News Cult: How to Interpret Your Dreams

I’ve been having a lot of weird dreams lately—like, Chris Christie’s waistline, weird. So I thought I would share the fruits of my attempts at interpreting their meanings with you (don’t you just hate when someone uses “fruits” like that? Like it just makes you think of sperm, right?).

Here’s how to figure out what your dreams signify, depending on which category they fall into below.

Work dreams

If you’re dreaming about work, that means you’re worried about your job. With good reason, too—you’re a total fuckup, and it’s harder to ignore that when your dreams only highlight it. Needless to say, if you’re dreaming about getting fired, or in trouble, or being given a poor evaluation by your boss, you should start looking for other “opportunities.” Call your parents, alert them that you’ve lived up to their expectations/lack thereof, and ask if you can move back into their basement. And if you’re dreaming you’re doing a stellar job at work, then there’s something really wrong. Don’t take a positive work dream as an affirmation or motivation—now is not the time to adopt optimism. Don’t panic, but maybe you should just stop drop and roll yourself right into a psych ward to be sure.

Sex dreams

Not to be obvious, but if you’re having sex dreams, they mean one of two things. Either:

A) You’re sexually stifled

or

B) You want to have sex with the subject (object?) of your dream.

Regarding A—of course you’re sexually stifled. You haven’t had sex with a real person in like at least 7 months, (longer if you want to pretend like your last sexual encounter didn’t happen (and I think we can all agree it’s best you do)), because you’re unlovable and are going to die alone. And also growing up you got the impression that we just don’t talk about sex, so you ended up having to explore your sexuality solo, which led to some very creative ways of masturbating, but generally also a lot of shame and guilt and repression and inability to express yourself sexually.

And regarding B—in your dreams.

Action/Adventure dreams

I have a recurring dream that involves Zorro. I also have a lot of dreams where I have to save people. If you’re having dreams like this—basically the plot of any of the Taken‘s (I’d guess)—it means you feel a general lack of control in your life. This feeling stems from the fact that you’re an utter failure who couldn’t have their shit less together. You could take this as a cue to change some things in your life so you feel more empowered and capable, but LOL.

Animal dreams

If you’re having dreams about animals—whether you have to take care of them, or fight them (like if you’re attacked by a mountain lion or a bear), or rescue them (from like a dog fighting ring or horse race track)—this means that you are in no position to be responsible for any other living being. Because you can barely take care of yourself. So you should never buy or adopt a pet (firstly because no one should ever buy a pet when there are so many in need of rescue or adoption (fuck you very much, breeders), but also we’re talking not even a goldfish, okay? Because before you know it, Lady Gaga-Justin Bieber will be on his (her?)—its—last legs because you didn’t know you had to buy a special chemical to add to the tap water you put in its bowl, and then you’ll basically be a murderer), and you should certainly never babysit, let alone have your own children. Just focus on getting yourself out of bed every morning—lord knows that’s impossible enough.

Political dreams

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You may have a nightmare that you’ll have to flee the country because Donald Trump is running for president and has an unbelievably large amount of supporters and won’t denounce renowned former KKK leader David Duke’s  endorsement of his campaign and wants to force Mexico to pay for a wall to be built along the Mexico-U.S. border to prevent Mexicans from being able to enter the U.S. and wants to ban Muslims from entering the U.S. and wants to use waterboarding and doesn’t think women should have the right to control their own bodies and oh wait—that’s actually happening. Except good fucking luck fleeing if he wins, because nobody will take you then. Especially not Mexico.

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