As Featured on News Cult: How to Deal with Rejection

Rejection is one of the many sad facts of life. Whether it’s from a job, a school, a love interest, a credit card application, an unreturned text message to your mother, or the doorman at a club who won’t let you in because you’re wearing flip flops, despite your 30-min long diatribe on the oppressiveness of gendered dress codes, it hurts just the same. But luckily, I am an expert in being rejected, so allow me to give you some tips on how to deal with it.

Stop drop and roll

… it off your shoulders. Take a minute to be disappointed, shocked, and paralyzed, and then move on with your life. You have a lot more being rejected succeeding to do. 

Hack 

Into the phone of the person who rejected you, mix up the names and numbers of their contacts, and let the uncomfortable text messages begin…. I.e. swap the labels for:

-Their mom’s # and their boyfriend’s (“Jason, don’t panic, but I think I’m pregnant.” ….. “What?? Does Jason know? Is it his? I never liked him! When I met him at Christmas I got a really bad vibe. I wasn’t going to say anything but clearly this relationship has gone too far. You obviously can’t keep it. That boy couldn’t father a goldfish.”)

-Their boss’s # and their BFF’s (“OMG I AM GOING TO KILL MY BOSS HE’S BEING SUCH A PRICK TODAY.” ….. “You’re fired.”)

-Their doctor’s # and their ex-boyfriend’s (“So just to clarify, my HPV test is positive but it’s for the cancer kind, not the wart kind?” ….. “HELLO.. What?? Did you give me HPV? Do I have to tell my slimmer, sexier, dumber new girlfriend that I might have given her HPV?”) [This is assuming anyone is fortunate enough to be able to text their doctor—a privilege for which I would happily give all of my legs and arms. #I’dbeblowin’upthatphone]

Deny

What was that? You tried to reject me? No you didn’t. I CAN’T HEAR YOU. OVER THE SOUND OF MY AWESOMENESS. WHICH MAKES ME UN-REJECTABLE.  

Know that everybody hurts

Sometimes. When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on, well, everybody hurts sometimes. Everybody cries. So hold on. Hold on.

Throw a tantrum

You’ve always been good at tantrums—just ask your childhood babysitter circa ages 6-8. Scream, cry, kick, scratch, until you either get your way, receive acknowledgment by the other party of their absurd wrongdoing, or the authorities drag your unyielding body off the premises. 

Walk away

Knowing that it’s their loss. If they’re going to reject you, you don’t want them anyway. It’s that simple. Because there’s no scenario in which it makes sense that someone wouldn’t want you—you’re literally perfect and fine, you’ll take your marbles elsewhere; you don’t need this kind of negativity in your life, and if they aren’t capable of recognizing your narcissism greatness, then someone equally sociopathic better will!

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/guide-dealing-rejection/

As Featured on News Cult: The Best Methods of Revenge

Sometimes, you just need to get revenge. Sure, you could take the high road, but you could also destroy someone who deserves it. Get it out of your system so you can move on with your life while theirs crumbles to pieces. Here are the best methods of revenge. #burnbabyburnthosebridges

Make them go crazy

Pick one thing in their life to consistently fuck with over a month-long period, enough to make them question their sanity. For example, you could go into their office every night and change their calendar to a different day/month. Or take a few sips of their coffee every time they leave their desk. Or sneak into their house after they’ve left for the day and turn all the lights and the coffeemaker back on. Or siphon tiny amounts of money out of their checking account at irregular intervals. You’re making them their own worst enemy—Mindfuckery 101.

Call them in for drunk driving

This is why it’s important to take note of peoples’ license plate numbers—so that when they piss you off, you can call the DUI hotline and report them. #whistleblowin’likeaBOSS

Make them late

Change all their clocks so they’re at least 30 minutes behind. Make sure to do this on a day when they have a really important appointment. And then, watch the dominoes fall (they were late to work? Fired. Late to the doctor? Can’t get another appointment for a month, by which point their cancer will have progressed to Stage IV and be incurable. Late to their med school interview? Nursing, it is.) #BAM

Replace all of their dry erase markers with permanent ones

Classic.

Mess with their allergies

If they’re lactose intolerant, replace all of their soy milk with 2%. If they’re gluten free, replace all of their rice flour with that all purpose bleached shit. They can’t handle cats? Meticulously place cat hairs around their apartment (this will require you to steal borrow someone’s cat for a few hours because you hate cats so certainly won’t have your own to use). And when it’s all said and done, they won’t even have their Claritin to run to, because you’ll have flushed it all down the toilet and bought out every nearby pharmacy’s stock.

Report them to the IRS

Undoubtedly they lie on their taxes, as assholes do, so it’s time to ring up the government and let Uncle Sam do his thing. And even if they don’t cheat, at least prompt an audit—

Dear Panic,

Ensue.

Sincerely,

The Revengers

Poke holes in all of their condoms

Of course.

Recalibrate their scale

So every time they step on it there’s a surplus of at least 10 lbs. If you’re not sure how to do this, just ask the airlines.

Get sick

Just so you can get them sick. Sneeze, cough, and snot all over them. Make it RAIN.

Sleep with someone they would be super mad at you for sleeping with

An old standby—revenge sex. Works every time. Don’t act like you’re above it—now is not the time to start pretending you have standards.

Steal their mail

Their bills will go unpaid and into collection. #byebyecredit

Be happy

People hate when other people are better off. So be better off—it’ll drive them crazy. Surround yourself with good(-looking) people, do things (people) you like, forget about the losers—leave them to rot in their own bath water, choking on the dust of a quick getaway. It’s that simple.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/psychological-warfare-12-best-methods-get-revenge/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Not Hold a Grudge

I mean, there’s nothing more tempting than holding a grudge. Why? Because people are the worst, and when they display that with their idiotic, insensitive, narcissistic behavior, they should be cut out of your life like Jim Bob Duggar’s vas deferens needs clipping, and forever haunted by your vengeance. But—holding a grudge takes a lot of time and energy and we don’t have either of those (well, we have time, but we need to spend it on exerting no energy whatsoever). So we’re just gonna let it go like it’s our baby and we’re Michael Jackson on a balcony. Or Eric Clapton.

Here’s how to not hold a grudge.

Remember that people are their own undoing

People will get what’s coming to them—you don’t have to be the one to give it to them. That is the job of a little something we call karma. (Actually I think we totally co-opted that term and have misused it since, but whatever (as white Westerners do)). In the words of Justin Timberlake, “What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way back around.” Pure poetry.

Breathe a sigh of relief

If you don’t hold a grudge, you get to let go of so much anger. And I know anger is, like, our favorite hobby, but its negative impact mainly manifests in you, not the other person. If it were the other way around, I’d totally say go for it, but unfortunately, it really only eats away at your own well being. Unless you channel it. Which brings me to…

Get revenge

Ok I know I’m touting this whole zen take the high road crap, but if there’s a way of exacting swift revenge, just do it, as Nike would say. Get it over with so you’ll be able to rid yourself of the burden of whoever or whatever was grudge-worthy, and move on with your life like you’re Tonya Harding (because she just glides gracefully. On the ice. Or at least up until 1994. Ok bad example but in my defense I don’t know the names of any other professional ice skaters. So what if she wore a diaper on her cross-country kill trip? Or wait that was Lisa Nowak—who, interestingly enough, also bounced around weightlessly—one might even say without any burden—in space. But seriously don’t follow either of their examples when it comes to revenge).

Take pity

On the person you want to hold a grudge against. Clearly, as their actions have already proven, they’re a pitiful person. They’re just pathetic—you actually feel a little sorry for them. As Gandhi would probably say, “Don’t swallow that haterade, yo.”

Vent

Make sure to just bitch a lot about the person who done you wrong to your friends and family. Just get it out of your system. If this means having them on rotating shifts 24/7, then so be it. Hey, you didn’t choose to be born—consequently, your parents always have to be there for you 100% even if it’s in the middle of the night or during one of the two times a year they have sex, or, as they called it when you walked in on them at 16, “hugging.”

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/fuggedaboutit-not-hold-grudge/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Curse Someone

When you are wronged, you must seek justice, but in the most subtle of ways, because nothing is quite so sweet as revenge that takes its victim off guard, and also then you can’t be blamed for whatever misfortune befalls your foe. Enter: the curse. I’m not saying you have to believe in witchcraft or hold ritualistic sacrificial blood oath ceremonies or spend hours into the night pricking your collection of voodoo dolls (although you totally can—I’ve heard worse ideas), but just give the power of thinking a shot. Focus your energy on hoping really hard that one of the below things happens to your target, and you just may be pleasantly surprised. #karmahasnodeadline

1. I hope you get less than 10 likes on ALL your Instagram posts!

The powerful difference between:

And:

2. Step on a Lego! Actually,  I hope you step on a whole Lego house. We’re talking Ed Sheeran, here—a fucking Lego NEIGHBORHOOD.

3. I hope you cry a river and promptly drown in it.

4. I hope your rent is raised a more than manageable amount!

5. I hope that your narcissistic insecurity leads you to the decision to get plastic surgery and that it turns out really badly and that deals a crushing blow to any chance you might have ever had of feeling the tiniest bit good about yourself.

6. I hope you get at least three cavities at once, preferably at regular intervals. #flossingcan’tsaveyounow

7. May your inbox never get down to 0!

8. I hope you drank the water in Flint.

9. I hope you send an important document via regular mail and it gets lost! #should’vegonewithcertified

10. I hope your CVS receipt strangles you.

11. I hope you fall into a pit of glitter.

12. I hope all of your flights from here to eternity are delayed so that you miss all of your connections and lose all of your baggage. In fact, I hope you only ever get to take flights WITH stops and are banned from flying Southwest so you never get free peanuts or occasionally free Chex Mix or those little heart-shaped drink stirrer thingies and your bags will never fly free again!

13. I hope your smoking habit finally pays off and you die swiftly but painfully of the worst possible stage of lung cancer. #sohehuffedandhepuffedandhedroppedthefuckdead

14. May you be audited by the IRS.

15. I hope you get stuck in an elevator with Ann Coulter before she’s eaten her celery for the day.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/put-curse-someone-youre-twenty-something/