As Featured on News Cult: Your Ultimate Christmas Gift Guide 

Does anyone else find Christmas shopping impossible? Even year after year of giving presents to the same people, I’m always confused about what to get them. So I decided to come up with the ultimate gift guide for those parasites special people in your life—there’s something on here for everyone!

A paper bag

To put over their head so no one has to see their stupid face.

This poster 

*Via Despair, Inc.

Alcohol

With the accompanying note: “To drown out the utter pitifulness of your existence.”

A cockroach named after them

And what would you name this little guy?

Herpes

(*Please note: this involves you both contracting and spreading herpes to them by December 25th)

this sweater

Christmas Vacation Sweater. Tacky Christmas Sweater. Griswold Christmas. Clark Griswold. Christmas Sweatshirt. National Lampoon. Red Sweater

*Via CreateMoreSleepLess

a pile of shit

If you live in a neighborhood like mine, you’ll easily be able to walk outside your door and just scoop one up.

this cross stitch Via CableMeCozy

Can you not cross stitch, funny cross stitch, subversive cross stitch, framed cross stitch, funny home decor, gag gift, funny gift, satire

Because can they not?

rahm emanuel’s and anita alvarez’ resignations

Because helping to cover up, for over a year, the completely unjustifiable murder of a nonthreatening black teen boy by a white male police officer, who fatally shot said black teen boy sixteen times and only had to post a $150,000 bail to get out of prison and roam the streets free, just isn’t a good look.

5 minutes LESS OF SLEEP each morning

I don’t care how you do it—go into their place of work and set every clock in the entire office forward five minutes if you have to—just find a way to make it happen.

a gym membership

“I got you a scale to go along with it.”

Classic.

a one-way ticket

To the farthest place possible for the least amount of money.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/tis-season-ultimate-christmas-gift-guide/

As Featured on News Cult: Don’t Have New Year’s Plans? Here Are Some Ideas

Personally, I’m a fan of not doing anything on New Year’s, because a) I never want to do anything and b) let’s all stop fooling ourselves—it’s not some night of great significance or a promise of change—it’s the same old shitty fucking day that we lived yesterday and will live again tomorrow. So let’s not go out of our way to celebrate or do something special.

But I realize a lot of you actually think there is meaning in life so you go out on New Year’s Eve and do something to mark the occasion. So if you don’t already have plans, here are some ideas for what you can do.

1. Stay in

Of course this is still the best option.

2. Ruminate over all the things you did wrong in 2015

You could turn this into a pity party—invite all of your (non-)friends over and host a story circle where you all go around and list your ‘Mistakes of 2015.’ This one is going to take a while, so I suggest starting a week in advance.

3. Go out into the middle of your street at midnight and bang pots and pans

It’ll be a nice way to piss off your shit neighbors ring in the New Year.

4. Kill yourself

Not condoning suicide here (anyone who could sue me, please take note)—but just sayin’… if you were going to do it anyway, why not really beat the symbolism of the act to death by doing it on NYE? (No pun intended—look how much of a genius I am without even trying).

5. Set off fireworks

This is the only remotely fun celebratory act that exists. Bonus: it’s illegal (in most states). If the cops show up, make sure to run and hide—PROTECT THE ILLICIT GOODS AT ALL COSTS. WHAT IS FREEDOM ABOUT IF NOT THE RIGHT TO SET OFF FIREWORKS. AMERICA.

6. Show up at your ex’s doorstep

And when they open the door, say, “Hey! Thanks so much for inviting me! I’m really glad we can hang out like old times” as you push past them. [Stick to the plan—it doesn’t matter if they are with their family, or their new significant other, or having a party—forge ahead. Channel your character in Oregon Trail and stay the course. Unless your character died. Which they probably did. Bad analogy. Channel Charlie Sheen in his sex life—he’s proceeding no matter what—a little HIV isn’t gonna stop him! (Has it been enough time yet?)].

7. Go camping

By yourself. Ring in the New Year like the rest of the year is going to go (and like every year before that has gone): you, un-showered, alone in the dark, subsisting on instant oatmeal because it’s the only thing you can summon the energy to make—like it’s easier for you to make oatmeal than order in food—because then you’d actually have to put clothes on to open the door. Although I suppose you could just yell to the delivery guy, “Leave it at the door and WALK AWAY!!” à la a hostage situation.

8. Find someone who will have sex with you

Start the New Year off with a bang. [Sorry, had to.] *Please note: you may have to pay them.

9. Hang out with your parents

Because they’re the only people who want to hang out with you.

10. Drink champagne

Preferably a couple of bottles by yourself. Through a crazy straw of course.

11. Play a prank on someone

I suggest reporting a friend to Homeland Security, or proposing to your significant other, or telling your parents you’re pregnant.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/dont-new-years-plans-ideas/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Prep for the Holidays

May God have mercy on our souls: the holidays are upon us. Which means family gatherings are upon us. So prepping for the holidays is basically like preparing for war. Batten down the hatches, because WINTER IS COMING. Here’s what you need to do to get yourself ready.

1. Train

It’s as if you’re a boxer and this is your most important match. Run over all the possible questions you’ll be asked by overly inquisitive relatives and how you’ll answer (“Alex, are you dating anyone?” “No, Grandma. But there is one guy I occasionally let come on my face.”); think of all the backhanded insults your siblings might throw your way and how to respond (“I know you have a bad temper so I didn’t want to bring up the fact that I’ll be taking mom’s wedding dress.” “Oh, that’s ok, it’s too big for me anyways.”); punch yourself in the face if you have to (family time over the holidays is your FIGHT CLUB)–toughen up, because come Thanksgiving dinner, you’re gonna take a beating. Or…

2. Drink

An alternative way to numb the pain of the holidays. Start now and don’t stop til they’re over. I recommend a white wine spritzer IV to the spine.

3. Watch lots of Dr. Phil

Take notes. You’ll learn Dr. Phil’s crack fuckin bullshit about how to deal with family drama and also feel a lot better about your family. Dysfunction is relative, y’all.

4. Think of things you like about each of your family members

To make the whole process more bearable.

Mom: she knows like the exact right amount of seconds to let the tea bag steep–EVERY time. So impressive.

Aunt Gina: she usually gives you cute Christmas cards, you think because she fancies herself crafty, but she doesn’t make the cards so she can’t take the creative credit and you really want to tell her that but you’ll settle with just conceding that she has good taste. Sometimes. (Except when it comes to men. Meaning her husband.)

Grandpa: he smells not terrible

Cousin Ralph: …. nope. You tried, but there’s just nothing redeeming there.

5. Get sick

You can’t join Christmas dinner if you’re on your death bed.

6. Buy your gifts early

Because before you know it, it’s December 24th and you haven’t gotten anything for anyone because they’re all impossible to shop for and always say, “Oh, that’s interesting” when they open their gifts from you so what’s even the point you’re not going to please them anyways so you may as well just get them something that requires no thought whatsoever like a gift card or socks. Everyone needs socks–that’s inarguable.

7. Practice smiling

So you’ll be able to seem like you care. (“Congrats on your engagement, Karen! It’s just so great. Honestly the ring is so pretty–which is like a concept that’s new and different for you!” [BIG GRIN–let’s get TOOTHY up in this bitch.]).

8. Cement your place as the family loser

Which won’t be hard, because everything you do is a failure. But this way, people will leave you alone because we don’t talk about problems in this family, and you’ll maybe get some preferential pity treatment out of it, too (the bigger the issues, the better the treatment: some subtle weight gain gets you a mani/pedi on mom; failing out of law school gets your rent paid by your grandparents; and a heroin addiction–well, that’s the jackpot–we’re talking free meals for infinity, parents constantly bailing you out of jail and footing the bills for rehab, and, most importantly, lowered expectations of you–Ca-CHING!)

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=74252

As Featured on News Cult: My New Year’s Resolutions

Because I like to think ahead (NOT) and make a list of New Year’s resolutions each year (NOT) that I believe in following through on (NOT), I thought I would compile an early list here. But for real, I fucking hate New Year’s resolutions and people who make them. Because ambition is pointless. Because life is meaningless. And we’re all going to end up dead anyways so reaching your stupid goals doesn’t ultimately get you anywhere. With that said, here’s my answer to the useless sociocultural tradition of making resolutions that you promise to follow through on come every Jan. 1.

1. To never make a list of New Year’s resolutions ever again

Whoaa, things just got meta. But seriously–attn., goal makers: STFU. This is the list to end all lists.

2. To never look in a mirror again

It’s easier to pretend I don’t look like a chubby, homeless meth and/or crack addict if I can’t see it.

3. To cut the number of fucks I give down to −infinity

4. To eat a Philly cheesesteak

I still, in all my 26 years, have never eaten one. Howwwww?!?

5. To exact revenge on at least fifteen people on my blacklist

It’s rapidly growing–that’s like only 1/6 of the whole thing, so I really need to start knocking ’em out (potentially literally–methods of vengeance TBD).

6. To talk about how Selena Gomez is almost singlehandedly ruining feminism

I’ll take any forum available. I mean, her lyrics… “Gonna wear that dress you like, skin-tight, do my hair up real, real nice, ’cause I just wanna look good for you. Let me show you how proud I am to be yours…”

7. To actually stay organized for tax purposes

Ok but really though. We all know what a pain taxes are to do and how much being organized, much to my dismay, truly helps.

8. To figure out how Justin Timberlake’s hair circa *NSYNC was ever ok

9. To go to Hooters and only order water

In order to make a statement about how the entire conceit of Hooters is, simply and undeniably, the hypersexualized commodification of women; once there ceases to be an exchange of money for body, the whole thing falls apart. Plus I just think it would be fun to see how they react.

10. To tell my OBGYN what I really think of her

I just think her bedside manner could stand to use some improvement. I mean, I’m not asking you to throw a party down there, but maybe just be a little more approachable during conversation while you’re all up inside of me.

11. To start drinking boxed wine

On the reg. Like just fuckin’ straight from the spigot. I just feel like that’s the direction my life is headed, you know? So I may as well settle  in.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=73064