We’ve all been there. It’s 1:30 AM, and some guy you wouldn’t touch with any length of pole is trying to get your number. He may be perfectly lovely, but you’re just. not. interested. How do you escape? Let me help you with that problem. Since the most obvious, best solution is for him to never have asked for your number in the first place (because why doesn’t he realize you’re a 10 and he’s a 3.5?), but that would be asking for way too much astute observation from a guy and girls always have to do all the heavy intellectual lifting, you have several options.
First of all, each option is going to involve lying. I think if lying were ever justified, it’s in this scenario. Depending on how douchey the guy is/isn’t, you are well within your rights to use any lie on the scale from white to make-a-mockery-of-him. But try some new ones instead of falling back on the old, reliable go-to’s (i.e. “I’m a lesbian,” “I have a boyfriend/husband,” “I’m not looking to date right now,” or giving him the wrong number (plus, since people now insist on calling or texting you immediately after you give them your number whilst still in your presence, often staring you down while they wait for their call/text to go through as if DARING you to have given them a fake number, that one is virtually impossible anymore)). Second, each option should involve creativity. Just to have fun, do some storytelling, and spice up your night with a little mindfuck, use his proposition like you would a writing prompt–as an opportunity to come up with innovative ways to decline. Third, with whichever option you choose, try to make him regret asking.
Now, with those 3 criteria in mind, here are some examples of what you could say to avoid giving out your number:
“I’m not sure we would be good together–my type is less ‘clearly a date rapist.'”
“Umm, I have a boyfriend… He’s standing right next to me, don’t you see him?” [and then look at him like he’s crazy even though NO ONE is standing next to you].
“Oh, did you think that because I was laughing and smiling during our conversation that I’m charmed by you and want to fuck you? You have it all wrong–I laugh and smile at EVERYTHING. Literally–I laugh at funerals. If you told me right now that you have cancer, I would break out into the biggest, most satisfied grin.”
“Sorry, I have to catch my spaceship back to the Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre International, which looks like a beautiful magical old mansion covered in ivy that fairies live in and that’s how they lure you in.”
“Sure, I’ll give you my number, I just have to ask my parole officer for permission first.”
“I just took a pregnancy test in the bathroom and I’m waiting on the results, so just give me like 3 min.” [say while fake-wiping urine off your hands onto your pants]
“I’d give it to you but then I’d have to kill you.” – [pause, deadpan] – “And then chop your body into tiny little pieces and use them as fertilizer for my pumpkin patch.” [SMILE BIG]
“You know, I totally would give you my number, but I just would rather be stuck in a room with John Travolta for infinity.”
“Of course! For our first date do you want to go to an Evanescence concert?”
“If I become suicidal and need something to just push me that last bit over the edge, I’ll reach out to you. Otherwise no thanks.”
“Phew, I’m so relieved–I’ve been carrying around the burden of having herpes and would just love to take some of that weight off my shoulders/genitals and share it with someone.”
“I am a nun. (Nuns can’t date, right)?”
“I’m so flattered, but I actually don’t believe in telephones.”
“You’re like a perm–I just don’t want you.”
“I’m so sorry that you took my friendliness as romantic interest. Next time I will lead by punching you in the face. I realize now the importance of setting boundaries.”
“I plan on pioneering a new frontier in polygamy and having multiple husbands–I just don’t see you fitting into that family portrait.”
“I hate blowjobs.”
“I thought about it just now, and came to the conclusion… no.”
“I’m waiting til marriage.”
Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/graceful-ways-avoid-giving-number/
[And to see how I completely failed at taking my own advice after writing this article, please click here.]