We aren’t morning people. We know this about ourselves. This is who we are. We don’t understand morning people. We don’t like them. In fact, we hate them. But, mornings exist, unfortunately, and we have to survive them in order to get to nighttime, which is our favorite time because: bedtime. Here are some morning pick-me-ups that will help you cope with mornings if you’re a non-morning person, AKA a person.
2. The sitting nap
Just sit at your desk or wherever you’re unjustly forced to be in the mornings, and close your eyes. Whether you actually fall asleep or not, this is a good way to refresh yourself. And avoid doing work. And talking to people. And interacting with any other living being in any capacity.
3. Play music
Pump yourself up with some TUNES. I find the “workout mixes” on various music services like Spotify, Pandora, etc. to be good for this–because the whole point of those playlists is to motivate and energize the listener. And waking up and moving through the morning is the equivalent of exercise for us–strenuous, impossible, horribly difficult, the worst.
4. Give yourself a pep talk
You’re gonna need some real motivation to make it through your morning. And even though we don’t believe in motivational speaking because it’s the biggest joke ever in the existence of the universe, we are bright shining superstars, so if anyone is going to give a respectable pep talk to us, it’s ourselves. “I may want to die right now, and this morning may be Hell on earth, 1000%–actually infinity%–but I am a warrior, and I’m going to strut through this catastrophe like I’m James Franco and Anne Hathaway hosting the 2011 Oscars–it’s going to be painful but I’m gonna power through.”
5. Day dream
Pretend you’re not where you are. Fantasize about being wherever you’d most like to be–swimming in an Empire State Building-sized chocolate fountain, at a 24/7 all you can eat pizza buffet, in a coma–wherever. Make like an online predator and Chris Hansen is in your kitchen–deny, deny, deny your reality.
Another thing we don’t really believe in, but we’re desperate, so at this point we’ll try anything. Similar to the sit-nap, meditating is a good way to give yourself a booster shot. Close your eyes and focus intently on your breathing. Imagine anything that brings peace and calm to your mind—like the thought of taking one solid sternum-shot at that guy you hate—just one—that’s all you need. Or lying on a bed made of donuts, or never exercising a day again in your life. 5-10 minutes of this and you’ll return to the proceedings of your morning with renewed vigor, ready to bulldoze through and steamroll right over all the bullshit that’s inevitably headed your way.
7. Ignore all calls and emails
I would highly recommend this if you’re at work. If your phone has the function that allows you to send calls straight to voicemail, engage it. And don’t stop at ignoring emails that come in—get crazy and delete them all. “Morning, Boss…. Oh, you emailed me a to-do list three hours ago? How strange—I never got it!” This is also a great way to get your IT guy fired if you hate him and why wouldn’t you he’s the worst, as they all are—their job description is literally just, “the worst.”
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