As Featured on News Cult: How to Motivate Yourself to Get Out of Bed in the Morning

Getting out of bed in the morning  continues to be the biggest obstacle in my life, so I don’t really have answers here. But I have some ideas, born purely out of desperation. Here they are.

1. Convince yourself there’s a spider in your bed 

Literally the best way to light a fire under any ass at any given time in any given space.

2. Pretend you have something to get out of bed for

Like a life purpose? I mean we know those don’t exist, but just fake it. Pretend like your job is actually meaningful, or you have people you love (LOL). Or your pet! That’s the one true purpose you actually have–to be your pet’s life partner.

3. Keep the silver lining in mind

If you share your bed with someone, getting out of it in the morning means you get to get away from that person. 

4. Set an appropriate alarm

Don’t set a pleasant, calming tone, or a song you like. Set the worst possible noise you can think of. And then put it all the way across the room so you have to get out of bed to make it stop. E.g. record your nails across a chalkboard, or your mother’s nagging voice, or your boss asking you to do anything. And then loop it. There’s nothing more horrifying than waking up to your boss saying on repeat, “Can you write that report for me? I asked for it 4 weeks ago.”

5. Sleep until the last possible second

So you can get as many hours as possible, and will then be less tired so it’ll be easier to wake up. To make this easier, I suggest you sleep in your clothes for the next day, leave your breakfast for the morning by your bedside so it’s readily available to eat when you wake up, and go to bed no later than 8 PM.

6. Remind yourself of the consequences if you don’t get up

You’ll be fired from your job for not showing up, you’ll probably get bed sores from laying in bed all day and eventually your skin will just meld with the sheets, your parents will become concerned and suggest you get “help”–all things we don’t really care about, but would prefer not to be bothered with.

7. Remember what’s on the other side of your covers


8. Don’t forget that you will be able to get back into bed eventually

The end of the day is the light at the end of your tunnel. Grasp it tight, and hold onto it as your beacon of hope. Think about how you’ll get home from work, immediately strip down to your underwear, plop into bed with a glass of wine and a burrito, plus a box of cereal, and a pie, and pretend the day you had didn’t just happen.

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7 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: How to Motivate Yourself to Get Out of Bed in the Morning

    • Melanie (DoesItEvenMatterWhoIReallyAm?) says:

      Dammit, prematurely hit send.
      God forbid my hubby tries to get me up without having coffee on the ready for me! He sees Satan instead of the “delightful” love of his life. He so hadn’t quite figured this part out. Even after 14 years together… 😡

      Liked by 1 person

  1. bensbitterblog says:

    1. Or for me an onion somewhere near by.
    2. I have an imagination, but not that big of an imagination.
    3. I’m more of a dark bitter lining.
    4. So an alarm that makes me pizza in bed?
    5. So 4:59 am?
    6. I won’t be able to write a bitter blog post and I will let down the 4 people that are looking forward to it.
    7. The couch?
    8. The only consolation.

    Liked by 1 person

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