As Featured on News Cult: 5 Job Hunting Tips

Ughhhhhh job hunting. The worst thing since cough syrup. It’s so hard. It’s fucking impossible. It’s like the worst job you’ve ever had. And you have to do it over, and over, and over (oh, you’re a stable adult who’s had the same career for 22 years? FUCK you).

Here are my how-to tips for finding that unfortunately necessary perfect job.

1. Keep your resume updated

Perhaps the worst part of job searching, resume upkeep is the Devil’s work. But I tell you, it’s a helluva lot easier to maintain if you regularly maintain it. If you don’t touch it in 2 years, you’re going to have a lot more housekeeping to do—those cobwebs run deep*. However, if you update it, say, every 6 months, it’ll be a lot less painful (please note: it will still be really painful).

*This observation may or may not be based on personal experience.

2. Keep a cover letter template

Again, cover letters are basically terrorism, but some antiquated places still require them. You’ll want to tailor each cover letter to each specific job posting, but if you have a template you can start with, it’s a lot easier to just then plug in key words, phrases, and examples of experience than it is to start from scratch on each application.

Tip: I like to sign my cover letter:

“May the bridges I burn light the way,


3. Keep an open mind

Something we’re not used to doing, because we are 100% right in our judgements 100% of the time, but give postings that don’t sound exactly like your jam a chance—you could be pleasantly surprised in the interview and end up getting your dream job (LOL JK we don’t get pleasantly surprised or have dreams. But what I’m saying is you may not end up thinking a job is as terrible as its posting made it sound, which gives you incentive to apply to a wide range of positions).

4. Don’t be afraid

Your fear of being inadequate—while completely justified—will stop you from applying to jobs that seem too good to be true, or are intimidating because of all their requirements, or are out of your comfort zone. But I’m here to tell you that you are more than qualified for any job you want—not because you are actually qualified, but because if you believe you are, then so it shall be. Confidence, people. That’s all it takes. I mean, look around at all the incompetent men running our world—they clearly didn’t get to where they are because they’re qualified. They just walked into their interviews dick-first with chest puffed, and here we are, with a deteriorating financial infrastructure, rampant war, and overwhelming social injustice.

5. Give your search a wide berth

Ask for leads from friends, colleagues, ex-boyfriends who owe you because they were terrible in bed/in general, your college’s alumni office, Facebook, Google—you’d be surprised at what you can find in unexpected places (and I’m not just talking about the condom you found inside you at least three weeks after you last had sex (you don’t remember using a condom)).

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13 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: 5 Job Hunting Tips

  1. peckapalooza says:

    I just interviewed for a new job a couple weeks ago. I haven’t heard anything yet and, with it being Christmas this week, I assume I won’t hear anything before next week. I was kind of hoping I’d get the job and then give my two weeks’ notice which would coincide with the glorious Christmas vacation that I’m currently enjoying. This is what happens when one gets one’s hopes up.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. howtobejillian says:

    “I mean, look around at all the incompetent men running our world—they clearly didn’t get to where they are because they’re qualified. They just walked into their interviews dick-first with chest puffed…” LOL. Yes. THIS is what I need to shoot for!


    Liked by 1 person

  3. bensbitterblog says:

    First of all, your first line is the exact line I think when I think of job searching. The one thing worse than having a job is looking for another one. And the interviews…really? Having to dress up and have to kiss someone’s butt for 30 minutes is the worse than death. And the resume, the filling out of applications? I’d rather be surrounded by zombies, around a steep cliff and having to jump in order to die sooner than have to look for jobs. Ugggh.

    Liked by 1 person

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